May

I've talked to the nurse a few times trying to figure out what I could take for this stupid cold and during one of our conversations she said she would drop the May IVF calendar in the mail to me. I'm glad she did, because I assumed it would look a lot like the April IVF calendar and I was wrong. April Baselines started on the 2nd and ran through the 14th, but the May Baselines don't start until the 17th and only run through the 21st. At first I was thinking "Here we go again with the waiting," but after really thinking about it for a while, I came up with some positive things to say about it.

First, Baselines are only scheduled for 5 days. That means there aren't nearly as many couples participating this month, which will probably show in the quality of "customer" service we receive through this whole thing.

Second, I counted out the days for the "important" dates and IF I have my baseline done on the 17th and IF I'm given the go ahead to start the stimulation medication, it looks like retrieval day will be between the 27th and the 29th. That would make transfer day somewhere between the 29th and June 2nd. So it is possible that I may become "pregnant" on our Anniversary (the 31st) or my Dad's birthday. If it happens to fall on either of those days it would be a neat added bonus. This is thinking way outside of the box, but my Grandpa Venhuizen called me his "Birthday Present" because I was born 2 days before his Birthday. I know this is a stretch, but the "new" Grandpa Venhuizen (my dad) may be getting a human "Birthday Present" of his own this year.

I started taking Provera this morning. (That is the oral hormone to induce a period.) We are waiting for that to do its job and then I will be scheduling my Baseline Scan & Labs. I realized in my foggy, sick state I forgot to update the injection tally last post. It is now at 42, I was going to add an updated picture of my Sharps container but the link to add pictures isn't cooperating right now. I need to remember to ask the nurse what I do with it once it is full.

Blah!

I don't feel good. I have a cold now and was afraid that it would keep us from participating in the May IVF cycle, but I talked to the nurse yesterday afternoon and she assured me that as long as everything was cleared up by the time I need to start the stimulation medication, we were fine. So I hope it runs its course quickly. And of course, I started feeling sick on Monday afternoon, just in time for the Annual Meeting at work which was on Tuesday. It's nice to have that out of the way now, one less stress to worry about.

I get to start the oral hormones on Friday...watch out Gus! I was horribly moody and emotional the last time I took them. I'm only on them for 7 days, so he only has to walk on egg shells for a week. :) He has been extremely good through all of the ups and downs. I'm so thankful for him. I want nothing more than to bless him with a family! He deserves it after putting up with me for the last 4 years.

Our new washer and dryer were delivered yesterday...yes, we got the high capacity washer, just in case.

Survival Tips

My attitude is getting better, but it probably helps that we are getting closer to May. I promised Gus a while ago that I wouldn't complain about any of the shots, procedures, or about being pregnant if we are lucky enough to get there. These are all things I have chosen to go through, so I promised not to whine. Everything up until now I never asked for, so I figured I could complain a little. :)

Since we only have 4 attempts to get this right (that is all the insurance company is willing to pay for in my lifetime, which I'm told is really good compared to most insurance plans), I've been reviewing tips from the clinic and other resources I found. Most of them are on how to tolerate the treatments and procedures, but some could actually help us get a good outcome. Reviewing them has helped me get my mind back on track and helped me not to think so negatively. Here are a few that I found important enough to reiterate to myself or just found interesting or are things I just never thought of.

• Rest is very important, even before transfer. All those developing eggs are taking up a lot of space and energy.
• Make sure they do a mock transfer prior to the actual embryo transfer. This is not fun, but it is necessary that they know the depth of your uterus so they know where to put the embryos. (I had this done between the 1st and 2nd surgery, but I need to remember to ask if the 2nd surgery would have changed anything and if it needs to be done again.)
• Caffeine has been shown to affect fertility, even in small amounts, so try to avoid it. (I've been able to cut caffeinated beverages out so far.)
• Try to keep a very flexible schedule the week before the pregnancy test. Some people start their periods early and are stuck somewhere where they cannot just be alone and grieve.
• Remember that some people get very uncomfortable and even have a lot of pain as the ovaries are stimulated. This may get worse as the follicles ripen. Loose clothing may help.
• If this is your first IVF, be conservative about the number of embryos you transfer, especially if they are of very good quality. You may find that fertilization was your big hurdle and now that it is complete you are on your way! (Let's hope that is the case.)
• Sometimes the brand or type of needle may affect how much the shot hurts. They many be the same gauge but have different tips. If you are having a lot of pain with a shot and are using a small enough gauge needle, try seeing if a different brand will help. (I have found this to be very true, I've used three different brands of needles so far and there is one brand that is much more painful than the other two.)
• You will probably need at least the day after your retrieval off of work. You may be in pain or you may just be tired and need the rest. Levels of pain post-retrieval vary from person to person. Some people may have little or no pain and other may have a lot of pain. Be prepared for both extremes.
• A heating pad on your belly may help with pain after egg retrieval.
• If you are concerned about nausea during the retrieval, ask for something to stem nausea. A drug called Phenergan is a mild sedative and also will help keep you from vomiting or having nausea from other medications. (I ALWAYS wake up with nausea after sedation.)
• Remember that not every follicle contains an egg, so don't be surprised if the number of eggs harvested is less or more than the number of follicles you've been watching develop.
• Many clinics aren't requiring any post-transfer rest, as recent studies indicate it has no impact in success rate. If it helps you feel like you are doing everything you can, rest as much as you feel necessary.
• Most clinics recommend you avoid the following after transfer: swimming, saunas, baths, intercourse, lifting over 10 pounds, exercise that breaks out into a sweat. So look forward to taking it easy!
• Some clinics suggest you avoid soaps, shampoos, and perfume on retrieval and transfer day as embryos can react poorly to odors.
• The grief reaction is inevitable and expected if pregnancy does not occur.
• Joy and fear - Excitement of knowing that a pregnancy has occured while at the same time fear of miscarriage exists, be prepared for both.
• Keep life simple.
• Try to relax and think positive.
• Try to relax and think positive.
• Try to relax and think positive. (Yes, I meant to list that several times.)

Our clinic also gave us a handout on ways to reduce stress during infertility treatment. It's good to know that they aren't ignoring the marriages that walk through their doors. It follows:

1. Give yourself and your spouse permission to have and express negative feelings. This includes feelings such as anger, sadness, envy and guilt. These are often not easy to tolerate in others or ourselves but are real and important feelings. Crying is part of expression.
2. Communicate feelings to each other. This means talking about fears, angers, and insecurities about yourself and your partner. Because it is difficult and risky to do, it is tempting to avoid this, but avoidance tends to create hurt and misunderstanding, which can be more painful than facing difficult feelings.
3. Respect each other's differences. Every person's coping style is different. Do not judge yourself by your partner, because you are not the same.
4. Recognize that you may get or give less because you are both stressed at the same time. Try to find other sources for getting needs met so as to increase your chances of getting what you need. This will help lessen guilt and anger when you cannot get or give what is needed to each other.
5. Remember that you are partners who share the same problem. It is easy to focus anger on each other when no other target seems handy. At those times, it is important to try to remember that you are on the same side.
6. Ask for what you want and need from each other. Many people worry about burdening their spouses, which limits what they get, and overlooks the possibility that their spouse could say "no" if necessary. The chances of getting what you want or need are greater when you ask, especially since no one can read minds.
7. Do not get polarized by extreme positions. People often have mixed feelings about things. If one spouse takes one position, it is easy for the other spouse to take the other position and never find middle.
8. Try not to protect each other. This often backfires in unexpected ways and can create more misunderstanding than it does good.
9. Try to talk about and understand the stress on the sexual relationship. There is a way to fight back against the effects infertility has on sexual aspects of a relationship, and it is important to try to remember that they are of a temporary nature.
10. Do not lose each other in the process of infertility. Remember that you and your spouse are a family. You chose each other to love and to share your life with for reasons beyond having children. Infertility is enough of a loss without losing each other.

Injection tally is now at 35! I noticed my first bruise last night. Unfortunately, it is on the side of my stomach I like to use most often as that side seems to be less painful, which is probably why it is the side to bruise.

News story on the clinic we go to

A story on the IVF center that Jeanna and I go to here in Springfield.

WICS ABC 20 :: Newsroom

Today my answer would be a carrot.

Well, I held off writing for a few days hoping my emotions and attitude would adjust, but so far no luck. My appointment on Friday for a second follow up ultrasound ended with the doctor telling me we would have to postpone our IVF cycle until May. I kind of had a feeling that is what he would tell me, but it didn't make it any easier to take the news. My frustration level is at an all time high. We know what the problem is, we know how to work around it, but we just can't seem to allow it to happen. It's like someone is dangling the bait right there in front of me, I just can't reach it.

So I get to continue the daily injections, take the oral hormones (yep the ones that I can't stand) at the end of the month to induce a period and try again in May.

I guess I should explain the title of this post. Yesterday I received a forward from a friend. I've seen it before, but I thought it was very appropriate and decided to include it here:

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seams strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

My biggest struggle recently is trying to wrap my head around a concept that I'm just not getting. I'm trying to figure out how accepting this as my place in life and being content with life in the "here and now" is not the same as giving up faith and hope that our dream of becoming a family will happen. From my point of view, if I accept that this is the hand I've been dealt and I need to learn to be content and happy with it, it's just like saying that this is as good as it's going to get. If anyone reading this has any thoughts on this I would love to hear them.

In other news, work has been keeping me pretty busy now. I've been working on my presentation of the income statement and audit for the board meetings at our annual meeting at the end of the month. But once that is past, work will slow down drastically for the summer.

I've added a few more pictures of how infertility treatments have changed the Martin household. The total injection tally is now at 25!

Another Delay

"You never cease to amaze me." That's the very first thing the doctor said when I saw him this morning. Apparently, I'm a pretty complicated patient. He decided that the cyst needed to by drained for fear that it would burst if we went ahead with the stimulation injections, so I went in this morning to have that done. It was a little more serious than the nurse let on due to the size of the cyst. It was 6 cm by 7 cm and the fluid that they drained from it was the size of a can of coke. I was pretty worried that the whole process would be extremely painful, but it ended up not being so bad. The worst part was the numbing medication going in, that burned. After that I really didn't feel anything until it was over and then the cramps set in.

Due to the size of the cyst, the doctor is hesitant to start the stimulation medication for a few weeks. He said the longer we let the ovary heal, the better our chances are of getting eggs from that ovary. The right ovary is fine and producing eggs, but he wants to wait for the left ovary to get its act together before we start the stimulation medication to help us out in the long run. If they get plenty of eggs this time, then I won't have to go through another egg retrieval. I have another appointment on Friday to see how the ovary is healing, and he will decide from there if we need to wait it out.

My frustration level is pretty high. It seems like our progress keeps getting interrupted and the minute I have a reason to get excited about moving forward we are told, "nope, not yet." Gus keeps reminding me that it could be a lot worse, and I know that it could, but I just don't understand why we have so many complications to deal with. I know the disappointments only hurt this bad because I want the end result so much.

Tick Tock

This morning I went in for my baseline scan and labs. I was the first person to show up so I was the first person called back for the ultrasound. They weren't kidding when they said there were several couples going through the IVF cycle this month. I think I was one of five there this morning for the baseline scan and they said Friday was much worse. The vaginal ultrasound was really quick and less uncomfortable than the last one I had. The tech told me there is one follicle (egg) in my left ovary left over from my last cycle. Can't say I really blame the little gal, without a fallopian tube she doesn't have anywhere to go, so she is just hanging out in there I guess. The tech told me a nurse would call me this afternoon to let me know if they wanted to drain it (sounds painful) or just leave it. So I'm impatiently waiting for the phone to ring.

I'm really tired a lot lately. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the medication I'm on now or not. I'm extremely emotional again though. I have a hard time listening to the radio without crying. It doesn't even seem to matter which station I'm listening to. You may want to say an extra prayer for Gus, because I'm sure it will only get worse if they start me on the stimulation medication soon.

I'm really glad I started the blog. I think I've gotten more out of it than any of the readers. There are still parts that I can't go back and re-read yet, but it has been a blessing to hear the feedback from everyone. The encouragement has been wonderful!