How Am I?

How am I? Good question. I guess the answer to that depends on if I'm answering based on my emotions or thoughts.


If my emotions win, then I am very angry, frustrated, and tired. I still want kids with Gus' eyes and my curly hair. I want to be able to experience pregnancy. I want to be able to bond with my children before they are ever born. AND I want to be able to do it the "easy" way. I don't normally give up very easily. I guess depending on how you look at the situation, you can argue that I'm not giving up too easily or that I am. I just feel like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall. I've come up with a new definition for infertility treatment. Infertility treatment - the process by which one tries to create life by having their own life sucked out of them. And I think the next person who complains about their kids in front of me is going to wish they kept their mouth shut.


If my thoughts win, then I know I have a choice. And if I choose to be angry and frustrated, I know that it isn't going to help or change my situation. And maybe I'm going through all of this so that one day when someone else hands their child over to me to take care of for the rest of my life, I will cherish that little life with everything that I have and that person will know they made the right decision. Who cares if our child(ren) don't look like us. They will still know that they were wanted and that I prayed for God to bring them to me countless times a day.


I got through this with my faith still in tact. I know that God can still do ANYTHING at this point in time, that is a statement of fact. My hope tank, on the other hand, is at E. Although I know God can preform miracles, deep down in my heart I just feel like there have been so many opportunities along the way that have been passed over that I don't get my hopes too high for future opportunities. And then sometimes I just sit around and wonder why God would bless one family with 19 kids (and counting) and others with none. And how some couples, who aren't even "trying," can get pregnant, but those who have been trying for YEARS have no luck. But we all know that life isn't fair. It's not about who is the most capable or who wants it the most. Everyone's story is different. And as Dolly Parton would say, "if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

Haven't Met You Yet

I told Gus the other day, that if you take every word of this song literally, it was written about my life:

Haven't Met You Yet
Songwriters: Buble, Michael Steven; Chang, Alan; Foster, Amy

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

The War Between My Head and My Heart

This sucks!!!!!! Infertility has ripped my heart out and stomped all over it. I was doing okay, until last night. I don't know what triggered it, but I fell pretty hard last night. I know in my head that this is not the end of the world. And I also know that God can still do ANYTHING at this point in time. But my heart knows that I was meant to be a Mom. And I can't help but think that God hasn't done us any favors in this journey so far, so what makes me think He will start now.

Speaking of miracles, it is going to take one for us to be able to adopt. I don't know how we can afford to go through one adoption and finish the renovations to the house. And if we did go this route, I'm beginning to believe that our child won't have any siblings.

I have made our follow up appointment with the doctor. He is on vacation for a couple of weeks so they can't get us in until the end of July, which is fine, I'm in no hurry to hear any more bad news. I'm only making assumptions off of the small amount of information I know and have learned from this process, but my gut tells me if we do decide to continue down this road, we may be looking at another year of what we just went through. And then that leaves me to decide if the small chance of a reward is worth the risk. I don't know how to answer that right now. I'm still trying to figure out what I did to deserve any of this. I know life isn't fair. But I feel the deck has been stacked against me at a much higher rate than the average person.

Baby shower #5 of 7 is on Friday. God sure has blessed us with fertile friends through all of this. I am happy for all of them, but when all of your friends start to have kids, it only makes your desire that much stronger.

The Worst 12 Months of My Life

So next month officially kicks off our 5th year in our battle with infertility. Oh how I didn't want to make it to year 5. The pregnancy test was on Tuesday morning. I remember laying in bed that morning thinking that our lives could be changing drastically that day. Unfortunately, we didn't get the change I was hoping for and our nightmare continues.


The phone rang Tuesday afternoon and I saw that it was the doctor's office. I answered, and it was the doctor himself, but the first words out of his mouth were "I don't have good news. I'm sorry, but the pregnancy test was negative." He said something after that about the progesterone but I blanked out and couldn't hear anything through my tears. I then hung up the phone and started towards the living room where Gus was. He met me in the dining room where I sobbed on his shoulder for what felt like an eternity. He then spent the rest of his afternoon holding me on the couch. He also had to call the nurse for me, because I had no idea if I was supposed to continue taking the progesterone or stop taking it. The nurse said I could stop taking it and that we should make a follow up appointment to discuss our options from here. My last dose of progesterone was on Tuesday morning. By Wednesday morning, it was night and day difference in my body. All of the symptoms I had been experiencing were gone.


I was "thinking positively" and I even told Gus on Tuesday morning that if the test was negative I was going to be surprised. I had been experiencing nausea before the transfer and then it went away. So I figured it was the hormones and that my body had just gotten used to them. But then Sunday, the nausea started back up and it got stronger and stronger on Monday and Tuesday. I won't make that mistake again.


The only thing that kept me going through 2 surgeries, a handful of smaller procedures, and all those injections was knowing that it would all be worth it in the end. That phone conversation on Tuesday afternoon was NOT WORTH IT!!!!! I feel like such a fool. I'm beginning to wonder if I need to start accepting the one thing I've been fighting for so long.


We have decided to take a break from baby stuff for the next few months. We are going to make a follow up appointment, but I might wait awhile before I do, and just hear what the doctor has to say about moving forward. Based on the last ultrasound we saw at the transfer, I have a feeling the word surgery might come up again. We won't be making any decisions about the future for awhile. We lost all 7 embryos, there was nothing left to freeze, so if we do decide to try again, we are starting over from the beginning.


We did decide that we deserved a break, and are starting to save up to take a cruise. It probably won't happen until the winter or early spring, but we need something to look forward to and to focus our energy on in the coming months.


Once again, we have been on the receiving end of a huge outpouring of love and support. I've received several emails and phone calls. I'm having a really hard time talking about it, so I let the calls go to voicemail and I haven't been able to answer the emails yet. We have some awesome friends who have provided meals for us and we even received a gift card to the movie theatre for some distracting entertainment. We have been blessed with some amazing friends!


Today is Thursday. I went to work this morning, and was doing pretty good until I let my boss know what was going on. She was really supportive and told me if I needed to take some time off to just let her know. Then mother nature decided to put the final nail in the coffin, and if there was any doubt left, she made sure to erase it. I'm bleeding pretty heavily and my back is killing me. So, I only made it through the morning and decided to just take Friday off as well. I know I need to get back to a normal schedule for the sake of my sanity, but I thought a fresh start on Monday sounded a lot better than forcing myself to get through tomorrow. I'm going to distract myself with some cleaning this weekend. And naps. Sleeping isn't coming very easily these days.

Monchhichis

Strangely, I'm not nearly as anxious as I thought I would be. I have a sense of peace about the whole thing. And I've said SEVERAL prayers over the past couple of weeks. I know I'm not the only praying, which helps too.

I don't have much to say today, other than we have affectionately named our babies the Martin Monchhichis. The picture above is a Monchhichi. I guess Gus had one of these monkey babies that sucked their thumbs and they were called Monchhichis. It was even a cartoon back in the day, but I don't remember it.

Now We Wait...

There are babies inside of me!

We arrived on Saturday morning and went straight to our "recovery room" to change. I got the traditional hospital gown and Gus got the marshmallow suit shown above. He was a good sport about it. It was made out of some sort of plastic, and because the OR had to be a certain temperature, which was pretty warm, he said he almost melted in it. Poor guy! Once we were changed the nurse took us to our Pre-Op room. I was then called back to an exam room where the doctor preformed one last scan to make sure there wasn't any fluid in my uterus. The picture wasn't very good, and there was definitely something there, but he thought it might just be an adhesion from one of my surgeries and decided he would just go for lower placement of the embryo and that we were okay to move on. He then told me that he was really only comfortable placing one embryo in as he was pretty sure the problem was isolated to my tubes and since this was our first cycle, he wanted to error on the side of caution. I then went back to the Pre-Op room and filled Gus in on the news.

The Doctor soon came back in and said after looking at the embryos, he had changed his mind. The embryo quality wasn't to the standards he would use to make the decision to only put one in. Our embryos were average quality, which wasn't bad and didn't mean that we wouldn't get pregnant, but that our chances with one was only around 40%. With everything that I have been through, he was willing to press our luck and put two in, which would push our chances to 50-60% success rate. Gus asked how putting two in would affect his concerns about getting through the first trimester, and the doctor was more hopeful with putting two in. He said once we got past the first trimester he didn't anticipate any problems. So we agreed to put two in.

I was then wheeled into the OR and was situated. Gus was able to come in and was able to watch from the head of the bed. I was then asked to verify that it was my name and birth date on the dish and we got to see our two little embryos! The doctor said they both looked really good and pointed out the growing baby to us. The doctor did a mock transfer and then did the real one. After waiting a full minute, and then once the lab tech verified that the embryos were not stuck in the tubing, he then removed all of the instruments from me and to my pleasant surprise, used a catheter to drain my bladder.

The doctor then told us the restrictions: don't do anything the rest of Saturday and all day on Sunday, resume "normal" activity on Monday, but no intercourse until the pregnancy test and no lifting over 20 pounds, lots of rest and take it easy. The doctor then leaned down to me with tears in his eyes, grabbed my hand and said, "You did great with everything you had to go through, now lots of praying and rest." He then gave Gus a hug and told him to take good care of me. My bed was then reclined so my head was much lower than my rear (the picture above doesn't do the best job showing this) and I was wheeled back to our recovery room. The doctor sure was right about lots of praying, I have said countless prayers over the last few days!

I then had to lay still for an hour and a half. Which wasn't too bad. We were both crying after the doctor talked to us at the end, so we spent some time using Kleenex and talking. One of the nurses then brought us the first picture of the twins! The picture above is a picture of the picture, so again, not the best. I feel like Rachel in the episode of Friends where she can't see the baby in the ultrasound and Ross has to keep pointing it out to her. I can't see them, but I trust they are there! We went home and I spent the rest of the weekend on the couch.

Gus has been awesome about doing everything around the house! I knew he would be though, he always takes good care of me after surgeries.

I'm back at work today. I know it has only been 2 days, but I don't think the waiting is going to be as hard as I thought it would be. I would rather live in this state PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise), than to find out I'm not. I think it will be a very nerve-racking day when it finally comes. I did go on-line and find a due date calculator. According to it, I would be due on February 20th.

I've had pregnancy symptoms for about a week now with the progesterone that I'm on. I pee A LOT, my boobs hurt, I'm tired, and I have moments of nausea, but I'm not complaining, I just hope it is all for a good reason!

Is this my last day being un-pregnant for a while?

Well, tomorrow is the big day. Still praying that my uterus is nice and dry and that everything goes well. I'm so excited and scared to death all at the same time.


The new hormones I'm on are giving me pregnancy symptoms already. But I think that is good, because now after tomorrow, I won't automatically assume that it worked since I'm having the symptoms. I've already talked myself out of sneaking a home pregnancy test in before the blood test. I've decided that if it is bad news, I won't want to deal with it until I'll have to, so why test early. Plus it will be unreliable. But it is going to be so HARD to WAIT so LONG!


We have been told to bring something to do, as I will be stuck in bed unable to move for at least an hour and a half, maybe more. With a full bladder! Do they know how hard it is for me to hold it? I now know of 2 medical conditions I have that cause frequent urination, so at least I have an excuse. :)


It is kind of shocking to me to think that the one thing I've been chasing after for 4 years (pregnancy) may actually happen TOMORROW!!


We may be down to 5 embryos now. When Jim called on Wednesday, he said that one fertilized and then never developed after that. And then when he called yesterday, he said 5 of the 6 are "still looking really, really good." So I'm not sure if #6 will make it or not. That was very sobering. We knew that was a possibility, and it was a big fear of ours. But you obviously don't really feel it until it happens to you. I said a little prayer for #7 and cried all the way home from work on Wednesday. And then repeated the process on Thursday.


Gus is all prepared to start calling me Preggers. I hope he can! :)

7

We got the call yesterday that our dozen eggs have turned into 7 embryos!!!! I can't even begin to describe the excitement we are both experiencing. They said all 7 are strong, so the transfer will take place on Saturday, June 5th. As soon as I got off the phone, I told Gus "We have 7 babies, and I want all of them!" We will see about that. :) I'm supposed to get a call tomorrow with an update on our little ones. I thought it was very fitting that our 7th wedding anniversary produced 7 embryos.


I had such a hard time sleeping last night because of my excitement. I did make it until 4am before I had to get up to pee. The progesterone kicked in the night before and I was up twice in the middle of the night to pee. Since my alarm was set for 4:30 this morning, I just decided to stay up. I'm back at work today and feeling pretty good. It helps that I sit at a desk all day. I can still tell that my ovaries are pretty swollen yet.


I do find it hard to concentrate again. I'm just ready for Saturday and hoping that the fluid hasn't returned. I have no idea how I'm going to handle the waiting for the pregnancy test, but I'm sure I'll find a way, day by day.

Meds

I also forgot to mention all of the drugs I'm on now. I'm still on the antibiotic from the fluid drain on Friday and it is replacing another antibiotic I would have been on starting yesterday.

I'm also taking Medrol which is an immunosuppressant "to prevent an immune response (forming antibodies) to the embryo." I will take one for four days. These are by far the worst tasting pill I've ever taken.

And then the progesterone cream.

Retrieval Pictures

Here are a few of the pictures from the retrieval. Gus was not allowed in the OR when they were doing it, but he watched the eggs on a tv screen from the next room and was able to stay with me up until they took me in and the entire time afterwards.

What an Anniversary!

It sure has been a crazy weekend for us! The egg retrieval happened yesterday, and we ended up with 12 eggs. The doctor removed the fluid from my uterus again as well. Yesterday afternoon was a little challenging, I was having problems standing up straight to walk from the pain, but I soon found comfort in the heating pad. Once I took a nice long nap with the heating pad on, after Gus turned the air conditioning up for me, I felt much better. I can only imagine the pain was the same pain a guy would feel after being kicked between the legs. It felt like someone was kicking my ovaries. But the most painful part is over now. And I'm done with injections too! After seeing the fluid yesterday, the doctor decided that progesterone cream was the way to go instead of progesterone injections. The cream is given as a vaginal suppository (Crinone 8%) twice a day. I guess the cream is absorbed directly through the uterus instead of the injection which goes through the blood stream. When both Gus and I are being honest, we are both relieved that he doesn't have to give me injections. Neither one of us really wanted to be on either end of the pain.


We went back in today for another scan. The doctor wanted to make sure the fluid did not come back. TODAY'S SCAN WAS CLEAR, SO WE ARE ON FOR THE TRANSFER! They will call later with the number of fertilized embryos and let us know when they are thinking the transfer will take place. I will have another scan the day of the transfer and as long as there isn't any fluid we will go through with it. If the fluid returns, then the embryos will be frozen and we will try again later after the fluid problem is resolved.

Today I'm feeling a little achy. I was feeling much better until the doctor did the scan. My ovaries are swollen from yesterday's retrieval, so in order to get a clear picture of my uterus, he had to push on my stomach. But it didn't hurt nearly as bad as yesterday.

As long as we stick with the progesterone cream, the injection tally ends at 83. Gus took some pictures yesterday. The pictures that are not of us are of the eggs which hadn't been fertilized at that point. I will try to post them as their own entry, because it is not allowing me to attach them to this entry.

To celebrate yesterday afternoon, we watched "Cheaper by the Dozen." I thought that was VERY fitting!