Catch Up

After reading a story about a woman and her journey, although her story has nothing to do with mine, I was just so grateful for her honesty and for her courage to share with others. I decided to be brave and start small by sharing the journal I've been keeping with some family and close friends. I apologize for the length of this first entry, as you are playing catch up from my first log until now. I will continue to send out update emails, but I tend to update my journal more often and in much more detail. As I stated in my email, this is very raw, but I wanted to keep it that way to make it real and to preserve the memories as best as I can. Thanks for "listening!"

July 2006. That’s when the excitement began. I remember standing in the kitchen and Gus telling me he was ready to start trying to have kids. I had been dropping hints for a while about wanting a baby. He obviously caught on and was on board. I was so excited. I think I started picking out names that day. I had it all planned out in my head. We would get pregnant with in the next few months and have our first baby, wait a few years and then have the second. It seemed so perfect and easy to me then. Now fast forward to January 2009.
After two and a half years of riding the cycle roller coaster, which starts off with excitement and anticipation and ends with disappointment and pain, we decided to let my Ob/Gyn know that we were ready to proceed with infertility testing and treatment. I believe my appointment was in February of 2009, and when I left that appointment I had a referral in my hand for Gus to visit an Urologist and give a sperm sample.
In March, he had completed his first visit to the Urologist and we found out that although he was producing plenty of sperm, there were some abnormally shaped sperm which could have been causing us some problems. But he also had a fever a few days prior to the sample and we found out that may have caused the issue so he was told to give another sample in three months. In the meantime, I was referred to a fertility specialist as well.
At the end of April or the beginning of May I had my first visit with the specialist. At that visit I was informed that every patient had to under go a few tests for them to determine what exactly needed to be treated. I was given instructions for calling their office to get a clomid challenge test and a hydrosalpingogram (HSG) scheduled. Both tests could only be done on certain days of the cycle. The clomid challenge test would tell them if my ovaries were producing viable eggs and the HSG would tell them if there were any problems with my fallopian tubes or uterus.
I was able to complete both tests in June. My doctor was not able to perform the HSG, so instead of getting the results immediately, I had to wait for my doctor to read the films. My doctor was then on vacation, so I was not able to get the results until early July. When I called to ask for the results, I was told that I needed to make an appointment. I honestly didn’t think anything of it at the time. Gus had asked me if he needed to go with me, and I told him it wasn’t a big deal so he didn’t need to take off. For some reason, the morning of my appointment, he decided he needed to go with me. And it wasn’t until we were sitting in the waiting room that the thought went through my head that if they call you into the office to give you results then it probably wasn’t good. I quickly dismissed it and thought I was just being paranoid as usual.
We were called back to an office and told the doctor would be right in. He soon appeared with my file and opened it up and began to give us the news. I don’t think he got more than three words out before the tears started to form in my eyes. “The good news is your ovaries are producing viable eggs. The bad news is the HSG showed a blockage of some sort in the left fallopian tube, a fibroid located extremely close, if not attached to your uterus, and something in your uterus which we assume is scar tissue.”
Wow, talk about taking your breath away. I just kept wiping the tears away, that was really all I could do. I couldn’t even think straight enough to form any questions. The doctor realized I wasn’t handling the news too well and tried to reassure me as he handed me some Kleenex that everything was “fixable.” He told me surgery would be required to find out what exactly was wrong with the tube and attempt to correct it, remove the fibroid, and to remove the scar tissue from my uterus. He also explained that in most cases if one tube had an issue, the other tube would also have some issues and there was a risk that if my tube(s) couldn’t be repaired then they may have to remove it (them). The doctor did reassure me again that if this needed to be done, there was always IVF. This only turned the tears on to full blast as Gus and I had previously discussed this option and I knew Gus was against IVF. Luckily he had come to the appointment with me and was able to function enough to ask questions. We were told they would call me with a surgery date.
When we left there, I’m pretty sure I was numb. I was still replaying the words over and over in my mind and asking Gus questions to see if I had heard everything correctly. Gus asked me what I was thinking and I told him I was afraid our chances were just slashed to zero. It was a beautiful summer day and we decided we didn’t want to sit around the house that afternoon, so we packed Noah up in the car and headed to the doggie park. There was a family there with their dogs which helped to distract our thoughts for a while, but they soon packed up and left and we were allowed to turn our attention back on the doctor appointment.
After some discussion, we decided we would try to not dwell on the “what if’s” and just see what results we got from the surgery. We went home and I decided to update a group of family and close friends who I had asked for prayers from at the beginning of us seeking medical treatment. I wrote an email explaining what we had just found out and told everyone I would keep them updated when I knew my surgery date. I think this is when the numb feeling started to ware off. I think a feeling of deep sadness hit me first, and then anger. And depression wasn’t far behind. I remember going to bed really early that night. When Gus asked about it, I told him if I was asleep then I didn’t have to think about it anymore. If I only knew how obsessed my mind would be with it from that moment on, I probably would have decided that one night off wouldn’t have been enough. But I went to bed expecting to lay awake for a while, but I was able to drift off to sleep more easily than I imagined.
I woke up to emails back from friends and family doing their best to encourage and say the right thing, which affirmed that this was our new reality and it wasn’t just a dream. Surgery was scheduled for July 31st and my research began immediately. The internet is very handy, but also addictive. I made it my mission to know everything there was to know about procedures, options, causes, and statistics. I even had myself diagnosed before surgery. I was sure the tube issue had to have been caused by endometriosis.
The 31st rolled around and they wheeled me off to surgery. Five and a half hours later, Gus was greeted by the doctor and was told the news. They were able to remove the fibroid and scar tissue without too much trouble. They were not able to fix my left tube, so it had to be removed. They were able to clean some scar tissue out of my right tube and leave it in. And they had a diagnosis as well…endometriosis. The doctor said it was some special kind of endometriosis (but I can’t remember the name of it) that more than likely caused the fibroid as well. They also found and drained a cyst while they were in there.
They decided to keep me overnight and wheeled me to a room where I was finally able to see Gus and asked him what he knew. His eyes got huge and I could tell he wasn’t expecting to be the one to fill me in. I knew right away it wasn’t the best news, but when he told me, it wasn’t nearly as bad as what I thought it would be. So I handled it all very well. I don’t think I even really shed a tear that night. The next morning, the doctor came to check on me and told me we had to wait three months for my uterus to heal before we could try anything. He told us we could try naturally for a few months if we wanted, but would suggest that we don’t try naturally for more than three or four months as the endometriosis could cause more scar tissue to build up and then we would be right back to where we were now. Our other option was to wait the three months and then start preparing for IVF. We then went home with a lot to think about.
My research continued. I had a binder full of information from the internet and I bought and read two books about IVF and artificial reproductive technology. It was at this point in time that I really didn’t want to discuss anything about this with anyone but Gus. I started to feel pressure from people giving me their opinion on what we should do and what they would do if they were in that situation. I just wanted to make sure that we were making the right decision for us and that we wouldn’t look back on the situation with regrets. And I didn’t want anyone to sway our thinking. I did find that our minds changed daily on the matter. With every new piece of information I read, I hopped from one side to the other. In the end, I knew what I wanted; I just didn’t know the right way to get there.
During this whole process, Gus and I would talk about it, but I don’t think I ever really saw it through his eyes. (Maybe I should ask him to write something to put with this.) He would give me glimpses when he would share an email he had written to someone and their response, but I think he was trying to be strong for me. I think he knew if I saw him break down, I wouldn’t be far behind him. He was really good at balancing the climate of the house. He let me deal with things the way I needed to deal with them, but if he noticed patterns of depression setting in, he would suggest we get out of the house and find something for me to do besides sulk in my own self pity. I’m just so thankful to have him walking with me through this. I’m thankful for the days he let me lie in bed and cry and for the days he made me get up and get out of the house.
From my research, I also saw statistics on failed marriages from going through fertility issues. I can honestly say that I can see how that can be an issue for couples going through this, but NEVER thought we would have to worry about this. If anything, I think it has really helped us in the communication department. We both want a family, but we both know it won’t do anyone any good to bring a baby into the world when the marriage is falling apart. We both also know that when it is all said and done, no matter how this turns out, God will fill the void somehow. Our faith and trust is in the right place, so my heart is at ease knowing that we are in this together, no matter what.
In November, I was supposed to go back for a follow up to see if I was healed so we could move forward. I had to reschedule the appointment twice and wasn’t able to get in until the end of December, right before Christmas. At that appointment, we found out there was a miscommunication and I should have been scheduled for another HSG to see if my uterus was healed. So in early January 2010, I had the second HSG (this time my doctor was going to do it so I was going to be able to get the results right away). We were told if the HSG went okay, I could start taking Lupron shots in two weeks and be ready for an IVF cycle at the end of February or the beginning of March. I even learned how to give myself my first shot. However, the second HSG showed something in my uterus (most likely scar tissue) from where they removed the fibroid. Lucky me, guess what that meant. Yep, another surgery. This put my total surgery tally to six.
The emotions just exploded again. I was back to feeling sorry for myself, being frustrated, being angry and sad. It felt like every time I was finally on board with the “new plan” someone would pull the rug out from under me and I would have to start all over again preparing myself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically for the next “new plan.”
Surgery has been scheduled for February 4th, exactly a week away as I write this. I’m hoping and praying that everything goes well and that we can make some forward progress come March. I’m not placing my expectations that high though, as I have learned that disappointment only appears when we have an expectation that is not met. I’m expecting to have surgery and find out what direction we are headed afterwards.
I’m sure everyone who has dealt with infertility has dealt with the questions that race through your mind. Here are a few of mine: Why? Am I being punished? Does this mean I wouldn’t make a good mom? Will my husband resent any of his decision –from marrying me to agreeing to try IVF? Why didn’t we try sooner to have kids? Why didn’t we go to the doctor sooner? When is enough, enough? Nothing else can possibly go wrong, can it?
I’m still not sure what lesson God is trying to drill into my head. Maybe it’s that I’m not in control of any of this and that He is. Or maybe it’s about being happy with what you have. IF I ever figure it out, I’m sure it will make perfect sense at that time. Until then, I will continue to trust that God only wants the best for me and that He will lead me out of this and down the path I’m supposed to be on.



February 12, 2010
I wrote a letter to our pastor today, and thought it was worth adding to this. I think it is the best I’ve come to relaying to someone where we are at in this whole journey.

Blake,

I wanted to thank you and our friends and Hope family for the generous outpouring of love and support we have experienced over the past few weeks through prayers, visits, phone calls, cards, emails, and meals. As hard as this has been, it is so nice to know that we have such a wide support system to rely on.

I also wanted you to know that one of the reasons we love Hope is that the messages are always so real and relevant to every day life and I don’t think the current series could be a more real or relevant snap shot of our lives right now. We are now well into our fourth year of our battle with infertility and every time we think that our chances couldn’t get any worse, they do. Over the past four years, I have watched several friends and family members fill with such joy and excitement and hope as they announced they were expecting. Although I couldn’t have been happier for any of them, I was also drowning in sorrow on the inside hoping, praying and wishing that could be us someday. I’ve found myself wondering on several occasions why God would allow someone who wants nothing more than to hold their precious baby in their arms watch the chances of that happening diminish with each and every doctor’s appointment. But I do know that I wouldn’t want to be walking this path without Him. There have been times when I haven’t felt His presence in this journey. And there have been times when I barely had a glimmer of hope. But I also know that He hasn’t left us alone in this pit for one second. I have no idea what the future holds for us in this situation, or what the final outcome will be, but I do know that we will get through this and come out stronger as individuals and as a couple. And maybe someday we will get the opportunity to look back on this and understand the purpose of all the pain and heartache. Until then, we will continue this journey day-by-day, or on a bad day, hour-by-hour. God may not be answering our prayers right now, but he sure is supplying us with countless resources for support.

Jeanna




February 26, 2010
Well, the surgery on February 4th revealed some unexpected things. First of all, my one remaining fallopian tube (the one on the right) was obstructed and had pulled itself away from my uterus, so conceiving naturally is no longer an option. My uterus had a normal bottom half, but the top right corner was collapsed and the top left corner was filled with scar tissue. The doctor says my body is healing with puffy red scars, and he believes that is how I’m healing on the inside which could be why I’m getting so much scar tissue. They removed the scar tissue and placed a water balloon in my uterus to reshape it. The balloon was removed a week later. There is also a second fibroid growing where the first fibroid was removed. And somehow, my bowels, which should be lying behind my uterus, have shifted up around the side of my uterus. The doctor told Gus he is cautiously optimistic that IVF is going to work and if it does my risk for miscarriage has jumped because the baby would be competing with the scar tissue, the fibroid, and my bowels for space. So if I do end up getting pregnant, I will have to be monitored weekly until they can hear a strong heartbeat.
I was also put on hormones to help speed up the healing process, and I think they may have kicked into high gear this week. I’ve been very short with Gus lately and have been crying about everything. For the first time in the whole process, I feel like I don’t really have it together very well. I also told Gus that I feel an enormous amount of pressure all of a sudden. I’m afraid that I may have reached my limit and honestly don’t know if I will go through with another surgery if it is suggested. I’m afraid of letting Gus down. Since it’s my body, I feel like everything is up to me to make this work and I don’t want to quit and disappoint him. This is the only chance for biological children for BOTH of us and I feel selfish for not being sure if I can keep going. Gus has been great though and says he will support my decision no matter what.
I’m guessing I will start my next cycle within the next week and then I will have to have another HSG done. If my uterus is normal shaped or close to it, then we can proceed with IVF (the doctor is trying to get an IVF cycle in before the fibroid gets large enough to be a problem.) If it isn’t normally shaped, then I would have to have a third surgery in order to proceed. Each surgery will lead to more scar tissue, which will eventually end up leaving my uterus useless. The doctor said he could keep doing surgeries to get my body “perfect” before doing IVF, but believes it would end up doing more harm than good.
Due to my series of mini-meltdowns this past week, Gus and I have decided to start researching adoption more just to take some of the pressure off of me. Just from the small amount of research I have done so far, I now know why international adoptions are more common than domestic adoptions. But time will tell and for now I’m just going to TRY and not worry about the next step until I have the HSG and know what that next step is. Easier said than done, but I’m trying.


March 4, 2010
Today’s thoughts are on hormones. Not the kind that come naturally, but the kind they prescribe to you after surgery to help you heal faster. Man, they are driving me crazy!!!! Between the head aches, cramps, nausea, hot flashes, and general achiness I hope I never have to take these again! And the moodiness…poor Gus, I’m sure he secretly has a count down going of how many pills I have left to take.
Really hoping to start my cycle soon so we can get the HSG scheduled and have some results quickly. I’m anxious about the results. I know I shouldn’t worry until I have something to worry about, but the way I see it, either way I’m going to have something to worry about. We will either be debating whether or not to have another surgery and going through all of that, or we will preparing for and worry about the results of our first IVF cycle.
My birthday is in two days…I’m having mixed feelings about that too. It could be the previously mentioned hormones. I didn’t think 30 would bother me at all, but I guess I’ve just been thinking a lot lately about how if someone would have asked me where I would be when I was 30, it definitely wouldn’t be here. I would have thought baby number 2 would have been here by now or at least on the way. I didn’t think I would be driving around in an empty mini-van.


March 9, 2010
Well, HSG #3 was today…AND WE HAVE BEEN CLEARED FOR IVF!!!! The first thing the doctor said to me when he walked in the room was “I really hope this is it for you guys.” After taking the pictures, he immediately told me that the whole picture looked a lot better, but he would need to compare them to the previous HSG pictures before he could make a decision. So while I got dressed, He and Gus went out in the hallway and pulled the pictures up on a computer. I joined them later and he finally told us he was happy enough with the results and we could go ahead and move forward with IVF. He then gave me a hug and apologized for having to put me through so much. He also told us that since the beginning of the year, they have done 8 IVF procedures and 6 of them are pregnant, one they think with twins. Gus and I decided we needed to celebrate the victory, so we went out for dinner.




March 11, 2010
The nurse just called me back today and we have an appointment on Tuesday afternoon to go over drugs and the calendar. It looks like baby(ies) Martin will be “conceived” mid-April! I’m super excited, but trying to not let my emotions get out of control. I just reminded everyone on our email list that we still have a long way to go, so I’m trying to take it one day at a time. Oh, and I get to give myself my first shot on Friday, March 19th. Not so sure how I feel about that, a little excited and a little nervous.




March 23, 2010
So I have been giving myself shots now for 4 days, tonight will be number 5. So far, I have been able to give them to myself, but I’m having trouble doing them “right.” You are supposed to do them quick like a dart motion in and out. But, I get so worked up with anxiety right before I stick myself, that I often just stand there staring at the needle so close to my stomach. When I finally do stick myself, I do it really slowly. I’m able to put it in, but I can’t do it fast. I don’t know what my issue is, but at least I’m getting the drugs, right?
The very first shot was surreal. I stuck the needle in and then just stopped with it not all the way in thinking, “did I just stick myself with a needle?” I finally got my thoughts together and was able to finish pushing it in and giving it to myself. So far, Gus has been the only one to watch me do it. The first two nights I did it at Mom & Dad’s house. Gus got to watch on night three. I was a little more nervous with someone watching, and he made me get the giggles which made it a little harder. I told him I wanted him to take a picture of me doing it sometime, then maybe we can include it in the baby book. Or just to have it, I’m not sure how much we will tell our future children about all of this. I just hope I get better at it!




March 24, 2010
I DID IT RIGHT LAST NIGHT! So far, I don’t have any bruising on my stomach, and maybe I will luck out and not get any. We will see. I hope I can continue to do it right. Now that I’ve done it, I think it will be easier from here on out. I hope anyways!
I had my regular Ob/Gyn appointment with Dr. Huston last Thursday, the 18th. My file from Dr. Loret de Mola’s office was linked to his so he was familiar with my case. Nothing too important went on. He wished me luck and said he looked forward to my call with good news.