Catch Up - Again

Friday, July 30, 2010




Well, we had our follow up appointment with the doctor on Tuesday (27th) and he gave us a lot to think about. He wasn't nearly as negative as I thought he would be. He still believes our chances of it working the second time are just as good as the first time. I was right, he does want to do another surgery on me (yuck), but he thinks it will be relatively easy on me (not too invasive). He said he was surprised that our embryos turned out to be average instead of great. He said there wasn't much they could do about that, maybe tweak the meds a little, but that is about it. He suggested Gus go back for a follow up with Dr. Kohler to see if anything could be done on his end. Since the uterus is what they have the most control over, that is what he wants to focus on. So I'm waiting for surgery #3 to be scheduled (#7 total surgeries for me).

We did tell the doctor that we had an appointment scheduled with an adoption agency on Saturday. He said he wouldn't discourage us from going to the appointment, that it was good to always have that route in the back of our minds, but did think that throwing in the towel now on the biological route was premature. He also said that he would be brutally honest with us, and when he thought we were wasting our time with him, he would let us know. That made me feel a lot better. Not that I thought he was lying to us before, but it was just nice to know he would tell us when we were running out of options. Gus did tell him that I was apprehensive about having another surgery, and he did agree that I have been through a lot, "much more than the average patient." He told me I was the boss and if we were done being poked and prodded, then he could understand it. I told him we could go ahead and schedule the surgery and if we decided we were really done, then we could cancel. Both Gus and the doctor agreed that it was a good plan.

I guess I should explain that we have decided to not tell anyone about any of this going forward, which is why I'm doing the electronic journal again instead of blogging. I still wanted to do something, because writing really seems to help me get my thoughts and feelings out. As hard as it will be to keep everything quiet, it will be nice to have normal conversations with people again. It was good to talk about it with people, but I think it would do everyone good to not think about it for awhile.

I am guarding my heart more already this time around. I'm going to try and stay positive (doctor's orders) but yet not have any expectations for the outcome. I've learned a lot from the first go round, and although negative results still won't be easy to take, maybe I'll be a little better prepared to handle the outcome - either way.

I have decided that if we are going to do this again, I'm giving up ALL caffeine this time around. It was easy for me to give up pop last time, and I've already given it up again, but chocolate was my weakness last time. But giving it up this time is the only way I know how I can help the quality of our embryos. Of course I have to wait until all of the chocolate that is currently in my possession is gone, but I swear I will NOT BUY ANY MORE. This is going to be hard! Especially during certain times of the month, but I think the motivator is a good one, so it should stick. I'll just have to have a giant supply of hard candy and gum on hand. :)







Thursday, August 5, 2010



Okay, so the last week has been very eventful. On Saturday, we had our appointment with the adoption agency. The case worker (Jane) was very nice and spent 2 hours with us answering questions and getting some background information on us. She didn't paint a very pretty picture for us. And I'm sure she was only preparing us for what was to come, but basically said that with so many countries getting up to speed on social issues, there really weren't that many international adoption programs still in progress and the ones that are out there are taking longer, resulting in older ages of the children when they finally arrive. We asked a lot of questions about the different programs available - both international and domestic, and about the home study process and fees. She sent us home with a packet of information and paperwork to get started if we decide this is the route for us. She did say that they don't really want us to start the process with them until we figure out that we don't want to pursue IVF anymore. She said it is much easier on everyone if we only pursue one or the other.

We had another couple announce a pregnancy to us, but they prefaced it with the fact that they weren't sure how we would handle the news. Very exciting news for them! But these situations always make us very uncomfortable. We feel bad that other people think they need to tip toe around us. Just because we can't get pregnant doesn't mean we think the rest of the world will stop having babies as well. We understand that we might feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot, but having walked a while in this shoe makes me realize how people who are trying to overcome some obstacle long for normalcy. I feel like everyone is waiting for me to have a mental breakdown and they all live in fear that they will be the person to push me over the edge. In actuality, I'm dealing with my circumstances pretty well. I've been able to accept that this is an ingrained part of my life, and I think that was a huge breakthrough for me. Once I could accept that this is a part of who I am, and is being used to shape me everyday I walk this journey, I have had more peace.

Back somewhere around surgery #1 I'm guessing, Gus was reading a book by Donald Miller called "A Millions Miles In A Thousand Years," and he talked about it a lot. He suggested it to me and said it was very insightful for what we were going through. Actually, a woman wrote a blog about her life because of that book and she is one of the women who inspired me to blog our journey. Anyway, I started reading the book about a week or so ago, and I will tell you that it is very hard to put down whenever I get a chance to pick it up. The whole book is based around the concept of story and how all of us are living a story and that our stories can be interesting and good or bad and boring and that we all have the power to take steps to live a better story. I'll have to add some of the quotes I love from the book here later. But at one point in the book he was talking about how sometimes when he is writing, the characters he is writing about take on a life of their own and do things he never intended them to do. It made him think that God is like him (the writer) and we are like the characters. God knows what he wants us to do, but we have free will and end up doing things that make a bad story. And what would happen if we would just allow God to write His story, just think about how great of a story we could live if we let God do the writing. And that's when I got to thinking about my story again. Before we went into that doctor's appointment last week, I was about 98% sure that I wouldn't go forward with IVF, especially if it meant having another surgery. But I feel so comfortable with the doctor and I just feel like we are being taken care of by him and that he truly has our best interest in mind. And then we went to the adoption appointment and I was feeling so excited about the thought of finally moving on and having real chances at the end result, and then when we left there I was much more uneasy about the whole process. So confusion is setting in again. It is obvious from this journal that I have no idea how to read when God is speaking to me. I thought he was telling me something, and maybe he still is, but the results don't seem to match.

Anyway, after a lot of bugging the nurse, I finally have a surgery date of Thursday, September 9th. They had to squeeze me in as the doctor is leaving the country on the 10th for a week to a week and a half. I'm just glad I don't have to wait until October to get it done.







Thursday, August 19, 2010



Not a lot happening right now, but I just needed to write to clear my head. Another friend has announced they are expecting their first child in March. I am happy for them, but it brought on a whole bunch of feeling sorry for myself all of a sudden. And I guess if I'm being honest, some anger is coming back. I even told God that this isn't funny anymore and I quit laughing a LONG time ago. I am literally surrounded by pregnant women and women who just had a baby. I know most of the people we hang out with are at that age, but come on, give us a break. Maybe I'll just start hanging out in nursing homes. :)







Tuesday, August 24, 2010



Wow, I've made a lot of "professional" growth over the last few weeks. First of all, Gus talked me into entering a writing contest. Donald Miller is having a "Living a Better Story" seminar in September and is holding a contest for airfare, hotel, and the seminar. All you had to do was write a blog entry of the story you want to live, what you need to do to make it happen, and how you think the seminar would help. So I entered. There were about 500 total submissions, so I'm guessing my chances of winning are pretty small. Plus the contest forced me to make my blog public. Which I'm guessing was something I needed to do anyway. So if nothing else, it made me take the dive.

And I have been researching and getting ready to head back to school! Thanks to Gus for the extra push, it looks like I will officially be a college student again in the spring. I plan to apply for the Human Development Counseling grad program at UIS, but I need to take 2 psychology prerequisites first, so if all goes as planned, I will be enrolling at LLCC in the spring for those two classes, taking the GRE either this winter or early spring and then hopefully starting my grad program in the fall. I'm super excited about all of it, but extremely nervous about it all too.

As I said in my blog entry for the contest, this "professional" growth stuff is directly related to our journey through infertility. I just happen to be lucky and get a two for one deal. My story is now about 2 different parts, building our family and using my experience to help someone else through an experience of their own.







Monday, September 13, 2010



Surgery happened on Thursday. According to Gus, the doctor was much more optimistic about the future for us. He told Gus, if he didn't know my history, he would have never guessed we were having so many problems from the looks of my uterus. He also told Gus that my right fallopian tube, which had disconnected itself, had tried to reattach itself to and he had to correct that. I have a follow up with him next Tuesday, the 21st, so hopefully I will get more detailed information then. I did go in for an ultrasound scan the day before surgery and he was not able to find any fluid at that point, which he said he assumed was a good thing. He did say that if we went forward with another IVF cycle and he noticed that the fluid came back from what he would assume is the intense amount of hormones from getting the eggs to produce that we could have the egg retrieval done and then freeze the embryos, wait for me to have a period, and then transfer them back under more normal conditions. However, if they didn't notice any fluid at the egg retrieval point, then we could just continue to move forward with the whole process.

The hospital actually let me sleep off some of the anesthesia before booting me out this time. That was really nice! I'm so used to them telling me to wake up and get out. But they actually wheeled me back to a pre-op room and let me take about an hour or so snooze before trying to stir me again.

I'm feeling pretty good now. Saturday night was probably the worst. The gas they pumped into me to keep my innards separated caused a lot of bloating and in turn pain. I felt a lot of pressure on my rib cage and my shoulders hurt, which the anesthesiologist said would happen, but we didn't believe him since it hadn't happened the last two times. Oh, and I didn't get sick when they woke me up. I guess they finally listened and gave me the right shot before waking me up, I was happy about that. Although I did get sick yesterday morning, which was my own fault. I took my antibiotic on an empty stomach, won't be making that mistake again.

I have a good feeling right now. I've kind of approached this time around (surgery and everything after) with a come what may attitude. I think I was so focused and stressed about it the last time that I trying to will things to happen and getting frustrated when it didn't happen. But now I'm kind of at peace with just seeing where this takes us.

Poor Gus again, I'm on hormones again to help the healing process. So far my emotions haven't been too bad, but I've already noticed hot flashes again last night. I think this will be a long month for both of us! :)







Tuesday, September 28, 2010



We had the follow up appointment last Tuesday, the 21st and it went really well. Gus does NOT have to have a procedure done. The semen analysis got the same results as his first one, but the doctor wasn't really concerned about that as IVF will overcome those problems. The DNA fragmentation test came back good, meaning the DNA makeup of the sperm was not impaired. So with Gus' results and the results of my last surgery, we have been cleared to try IVF again. The doctor said that medically there isn't a reason we shouldn't try again. So I am to finish up the hormones (I take the last dose of estrogen on Thursday and then start the Provera for 7 days, which is supposed to induce a period), and then call when my period starts and start taking the pill then as well.

He did say that he thought the reattachment of the fallopian tube may have been where the fluid was coming from. So now that that has been corrected, hopefully we won't have any more problems.

The nurse (Nancy) then came in and gave us the IVF cycle dates for the rest of the year. There is a cycle starting on October 20th and another starting on November 22nd. Depending on when my cycle starts will determine what cycle we are set up for. We are both really hoping for the October cycle so that it will be over with before the holiday madness starts.

As much as I'm excited about the possibilities ahead, I'm dreading the daily needle sticks and all the wonderful side effects that come with the sticks. But again, the reward, if we are lucky enough to get a reward this time, will be well worth the risk.

I updated the real blog today. It has been awhile since I last made a post, so I thought I would put something up there. Mostly talked about vacation and how we booked the airfare yesterday and that we were getting more and more excited.

I returned to zumba class yesterday. It felt good to be back, but I could tell I had been out of it for awhile. I'm not as sore today as I thought I would be, but it wasn't as easy as it had been before I left. I will have to take another break from it again once we get going on an IVF cycle.

Studying for the GRE hasn't been going as great as I would like. We started a new class at church which has homework, so between that and the nights that I already have booked (Mondays and now Wednesdays and every other Tuesday), I don't find myself devoting much time to it. But I'm serious about it, so I will just have to make the time.







Thursday, October 7, 2010



Today was the last day of oral hormones for me, which is a good thing. I finished the estrogen last Thursday and started the Provera on Friday. My experience with the Provera this time around was not good. I was extremely irritable the entire time on it. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that my normal cycle is beating out the orally induced cycle. The Provera was supposed to induce a period, but that has yet to happen. Based on my normal cycle, I should start my period next Thursday. I'm guessing that it could start about any time now, based on how my body feels, and the sooner the better. Besides being extremely irritable, I've been crampy and achy as well. I've also been having headaches and hot flashes like crazy. I just hope that my period starts soon so that 1) my hormones can level out and I can start feeling normal again and 2) I think the sooner I start the better chances we have of making it into the October IVF cycle. I'm not trying to rush things this time around, but I would like to keep moving and not stay stagnant for very long. Plus, if we don't make it into the October IVF cycle, it could mean more needle sticks for me, because I'm pretty sure they will start me on the Lupron with this cycle no matter what.

So I started to waver on the whole school thing recently. My zumba instructor is in the HDC program at UIS and she didn't have good things to say about it. Which made me look into the program and Lincoln Christian University. Their program looks good, but there would be a lot of classes that I wouldn't necessarily need, but since it is in their seminary college, I would have to take them. Not that big of a deal, but then I got to thinking about having to drive for the classes and I'm not even sure I can get all of my classes in online or at night, so I emailed to find out and wasn't really given a definite answer. And then of course I got to thinking about what if the IVF cycle worked, do I really want to trade some of my time with my kid(s) to study and go to class? But then on the other hand, I don't think I would regret having a job that meant something to me and made me feel like I was making a difference; or taking something that has hurt me so bad and using it for something that could be so good for me and others. So I think I'm going to go ahead and apply at LCU and just see what happens. I also found out that it doesn't look like I will have to take the GRE, yay!!!! And I guess even if I'm just taking classes at the part-time rate it is still a step in the right direction and I will still have time to spend with the offspring.







Wednesday, November 3, 2010



It has been a long time since I've written in here. And there is a lot going on. I believe I haven't written in here since the news that Gus would be losing his job came along. He is spending his free time job searching now, which is extremely hard with the job market the way it is. There really isn't much to offer him in Springfield, so we have agreed that he might need to expand the region and look elsewhere for a job. It would be nice if he found something close enough that we wouldn't have to move, but right now the jobs aren't close enough for that. So we will face this one day at a time and see what doors God opens for us.

I received my package of drugs yesterday and am set to give myself shots again on the upcoming Tuesday, November 9th. I will overlap 10 units of Lupron with my birth control pill and then take my last pill on Monday, the 15th. Baseline scans are set up for the 22nd - 24th, they take a break for Thanksgiving, and then the 29th. The nurse is guessing I'll have my scan and labs on the 22nd and then start taking the stimulation (Follistim) injection from there. The only bad news is that it might cut our Thanksgiving trip to Wisconsin short, because I will probably have to have a follow up scan and labs done sometime over that weekend. It looks like the retrieval and transfer will happen early December.

I can already tell that the excitement I felt that last time around isn't nearly as strong this time around. I feel very guarded about the whole experience. Almost like I was too vulnerable the last time around. Not telling people is helping to keep it contained too. I find the more I talk about it, the more I find myself daydreaming that it worked. But by keeping it to ourselves, I almost feel like it isn't really happening. I still think about it a lot, but now I just find myself wondering how my Christmas will be. Will I be really happy or extremely sad. I know either way, we will get through it, just like we did last time. I want it to happen SOOOOO BADLY, but having had it fail once, I understand that this isn't a fool proof system. I keep telling myself if it is God's will, then it will happen. But then I ask myself if it doesn't happen, then WHY isn't it God's will for us. And then all of the questions cycle back around. Is it because we would be awful parents? Are we being punished for something? If He has "better" plans for us, then what are they? Maybe if I knew the answer to that last one, then it wouldn't hurt so bad.

It funny how the last time around I was the positive one and Gus was the "keep your head on straight, don't get too out of focus" one. But this time around, I think he is doing much more positive thinking than I am. Not that I'm going into it negative, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. There is a fine line between thinking positively and getting your hopes up. I just hope I can balance it good enough until I don't have to anymore and then hopefully we can just let the joyous emotions fly.

In the mean time, we were invited to an Orphan Banquet by Doug and Angie Cormeny from church. It is next Friday, the 12th. Maybe that will open some doors for us regardless of whether this cycle works. :)







Tuesday, November 9, 2010



Shots begin again tonight. It will be easier this time around, since I know what to expect, but harder at the same time. I was able to talk myself into doing all of those shots last time, because I kept saying the end result would be worth it. Since I'm not as naive as I was last time, I know that the end result might not be worth it. So the only thing that will keep me going is hope and faith...both of which I was running very low on after the last go round.

I'm also having visions of Christmas being ruined for me for a very long time. I'm hoping I get the best Christmas present ever this year, but it's hard not to think that it could go the other way.

Yesterday was not fun. I think we got food poisoning, and it was a very long day. I got sick for the first time around 5am, but I felt a lot better after I threw up, so I got ready and went to work. Shortly after getting to work, I realized that I wasn't going to be staying very long. But for a few seconds, I actually found myself thinking how absolutely AWESOME it would be if this was morning sickness. Of course, I knew right away that it wasn't, but it was weird how that thought could make such a horrible experience a welcomed experience if it was for the right reason. Instead, I went home and was sick every hour on the hour until 11am. I'm glad to report that I'm better today, so at least it was a short bout.

So 10 units of Lupron will be administered this evening, overlapping the birth control pill for a week. The 10 units of Lupron will continue until I have my baseline scan and labs. Think positively Jeanna...that call you get shortly before Christmas will be the best Christmas gift you will ever receive!





Friday, November 12, 2010



Shots are going well. It is like riding a bike I think, I eased right back into the routine. Although I think I'm bruising already. I've only had three shots so far, and I'm pretty sure I saw a bruise last night, and that was before the third shot. But they haven't been painful yet. And I would rather have bruising over pain any day.

When I allow myself to be, I'm pretty emotional these days. But this came on before the shots started, so I'm not sure if it is hormonal or not. It usually only happens when I allow myself time to think about everything, which usually only happens on my commute.

Gus and I were discussing leaving for Thanksgiving a little early which would mean I would have to take the Wednesday before off. So I turned in the slip and it was approved and then I realized I have a dentist appointment on that Tuesday at 4. So I called to see if they could get me in earlier that day and they couldn't so I rescheduled for December 1st. Now I'm thinking that maybe I should just cancel the darn thing until after this is over. I have no idea if that will affect anything, but I know if it doesn't work this time around that I will wonder if the dentist appointment had anything to do with it. Just like I'm questioning things now about last time. I'm sick of racking myself with guilt. And I know I will never know if any of the things I feel guilty about were the real reason it didn't work. AAAHHH!!! I just want this to work so I won't have to feel guilty about anything!

Orphan Banquet is tonight. Maybe they will be giving orphans away as door prizes. Okay, that probably wasn't the appropriate thing to say, but every time I think about adoption I get so worked up about the cost.





Friday, November 19, 2010



Baseline scan and labs have been scheduled! Monday morning at 8am, and I am praying everything goes soooooo smoothly this time around. I can deal with be poked and prodded on a daily basis as long as we aren't running in to road blocks every step of the way this time around.

Shot are still going really well. I can tell I'm much more relaxed about the process this time around. I got home from small group on Wednesday night to find Gus anxious about a work issue. In the process of helping him with the spreadsheets he was working on, I actually forgot to take my shot. That would have never happened last time around. But, I remembered and took it about an hour later than scheduled, which was fine. It is just nice not to be obsessing about it every step of the way.

However, having just said that, I had a pretty major melt down Wednesday over something kind of dumb, but I don't think I was really out of line in my emotions. I was supposed to meet a friend for lunch on Wednesday, but she had to cancel because her daughter was home sick. I didn't bring a lunch with me, so I ran down to Subway and got a sandwich and a drink, which was root beer. For some unknown reason, after eating lunch, I felt the need to google root beer and the caffeine content, just to make sure I was good. I have been so careful about not ingesting any caffeine, that I got so unbelievable upset with myself when I found out that there is ONE stupid brand of root beer that contains caffeine and it is the brand that Subway had!! I was in tears I was so upset about it. Granted it was a very small amount of caffeine that I did ingest, but after being so diligent about it for MONTHS now, I just couldn't believe it. I wish I would have never checked on the internet. Because now it will be one of those things I beat myself up over for months to come if this cycle isn't successful.

Thanksgiving is next week. I'm going to write an actual blog post about this so I won't dwell on it too much here. I'll just say that the holidays could be a little rough for me this year.





Tuesday, November 23, 2010



I had my baseline scan and labs yesterday and everything looked good. I start the stimulation medication today, so tonight I will have 2 shots, one of 5 units of Lupron and one of 200 units of Follistim. The Follistim is 50 units more than last time, and I think this was the minor tweak of the medicine he is trying to hopefully have better embryos. We leave for our Thanksgiving trip tonight, so the hiding of the shots begin. I just hope we can pull this off with out anyone finding out or becoming curious. I then go back for a follow up scan and labs on Saturday at 9am, which means we will have to leave Wisconsin earlier than we would have liked. But hopefully the sacrifices will be worth it. Gus also starts his antibiotic today as well.

Since Thanksgiving is on Thursday, I decided I needed to help my holiday mood by writing about some things I'm thankful for: And I will start with Gus. I don't know what I would do without that man. He has stood by me (sometimes holding me up) for the past (almost) eight years through so much. I'm so thankful "in sickness and in health" was in our wedding vows, because the man sure has had his share of sickness to deal with. And I'm thankful he was willing to try IVF again. He has definitely been my rock, my encouragement, my source of strength, and my comfort through each and every storm. I love that man more and more everyday for putting up with me and for taking care of me when I can't seem to figure out how to do it myself.

I am thankful for my job which provides me with great health insurance for FREE. Enough said.

I am thankful for Dr. Loret de Mola. He is good at what he does and he is really good with his patients, at least he has been awesome with me and Gus. I'm so thankful that he is using his gifts to change peoples lives. I'm also thankful that he encouraged us not to give up.

I'm thankful for our family and friends who continue to encourage us on a daily basis and who allow us to be real with them. We feel their sincere love and concern for us.

I'm thankful for Noah and Nigel. They keep me distracted and entertained. And they let me practice my Mommy skills at times. And they love unconditionally, well Noah does anyway, it depends on the day for Nigel. :)

I'm thankful for my belief and faith in God. This whole process would have been a lot harder without that. And the future, which is still so unclear, would look a lot less hopeful and bearable.

Okay, I'm praying and have been praying for a smooth IVF cycle with tons of celebrating at the end, followed by a healthy pregnancy and healthy babies/baby. 2011 is right around the corner, and I'm hoping it is full of more laughter than tears. I'm getting tired of having to say that, so I hope this is the year for us!





Monday, November 29, 2010



I'm really bad at baby making. I had my first follow up scan and labs done on Saturday morning and the nurse called Saturday afternoon to give me the news. My eggs are developing nicely. But my endometrial lining is too thin. So they put me on Viagra vaginal suppositories to help thicken the lining, three a day. They are going okay, but they are extremely messy. And this was the first thing that insurance would not cover at all, so they were a tad expensive. I'm hoping everything will be on track when I go in tomorrow for my next scan and labs and they can take me off of them.

I'm reading through my blog entries from last time, just to refresh myself on how all of the drugs, etc. made me feel. This time around, I don't really have many physical side effects. Day 2 of treatment was the worst, and I woke up with cramps and was pretty achy. But my body must have gotten used to the drugs pretty quickly this time. There are only a few times a day that I am acutely aware of the fact that my ovaries are bulging. But the periods of pain don't last too long and I soon distract myself with something else, like work or other people. They haven't changed my meds at all so I'm still on 5 units of Lupron and 200 units of Follistim.

However, my emotions are all out of whack again. I'm either okay, extremely sad, or extremely melancholy. Gus left yesterday because he is working in Rockford today and tomorrow, and I just felt awful when he was leaving, almost like I didn't think he was coming back. I don't think the Christmas movies I've been watching on the Hallmark channel are helping much either.

Oh, and I'm really tired too. Not sure if that is from the meds or from traveling, but I fell asleep last night at 7pm on the couch. And took short naps on Friday and Saturday.

The suppositories are messy. I know I already said that, but they really bother me for that reason. And since I have to take them 3 times a day, I'm not always at home to deal with it. I've learned that panty liners are useless when it comes to this. The waxy, greasy mess goes right through them, so I'm stuck wearing pads, which collect most of the mess, but are just big and bulky to wear. They aren't comfortable when you have your period and they definitely aren't comfortable when you don't have your period. So I'm really annoyed that I have to wear them 24/7 now. But like I said, maybe they will have done their job by tomorrow and I can say good-bye to them.

Based on last time and the calendar they give you, I'm guessing the retrieval will be between December 4th and December 6th. And then the transfer could be any time from December 6th to December 11th. After reading my blog entries from the last time, I'm not really looking forward to the retrieval. I just remember not feeling good for days after that, and not being comfortable in clothes for a couple of weeks after that. And I remember seeing how much my ovaries swelled up on the ultrasounds. The transfer is by far the most exciting part. From that moment on you can live in the bliss that you are pregnant until someone tells you otherwise. And from that moment on my thoughts are on those little ones instead of how I feel or what part of my insides hurt. Then the daily, hourly, minutely, secondly prayers revolve around my babies.

Gus and I discussed on the way home from Thanksgiving on when we would tell people if it worked. Part of me wants to wait until it is "safe" to do so, and part of me wants to announce to the world the minute we find out. It would be really nice to be able to share good news for once. And we also discussed that once we tell anyone, we can expect everyone to know. We have already learned that you can't expect people to keep quiet even when you ask them too. So whatever we decide, we have to be ready for an all or none approach. I understand that everyone will be excited as well, which is why they will want to tell others, but I hope they understand that it is our news to tell and give us time to tell the people we want before they start spreading the news as well. But we have to get pregnant before we get to any of that. There is no point in putting the cart before the horse. I just hope Christmas is really, really, really good instead of really, really, really bad. I don't want to be an emotional ball of muck anymore. I just want to be an emotional ball of pregnancy induced hormones.





Monday, November 29, 2010 (A little later)



I just forgot to mention that I'm "a follicle making machine." There are 30 follicles in the right ovary and 26 in the left ovary for a total of 56 follicles! So getting another dozen eggs at the retrieval shouldn't be a problem.





Tuesday, November 30, 2010



I have been told by the sonographer and the nurse that I'm getting really close. Which is good, because I'm getting more and more uncomfortable now. The nurse just called and the doctor lowered my Follistim by 50 units, to 150 units. Lupron and suppositories stay the same. I'm guessing that the retrieval will either be on Friday or Saturday.

Side effects are getting stronger. I'm feeling more bloated or tight now. And it was a little painful when they did the ultrasound today. Any extra pressure is not welcomed by my body at this point in time. My clothes are just now starting to feel tight. I think my little bit of weight loss helped with that this time around. I've had a head ache for a straight 24 hours now and I'm extremely tired. It is crazy how this is all just hitting now.

I go back tomorrow morning at 7:30 for another scan and labs. In the meantime, I get to continue those nasty suppositories. :( BOOOO!!!





Wednesday, December 1, 2010



My morning didn't start off to great. I had my scan and labs at 7:30 this morning to have the sonographer say to the resident that was in the room, "Is that fluid in her uterus?" The resident was useless and just stood there looking stupid. She took a bunch of pictures and then finished up with the remaining ovary she hadn't scanned yet. So at the end of the scan, I asked her if she thought there was fluid in my uterus. She said that is what it looked liked to her, but there wasn't much there and the doctor would probably just remove it when he did the retrieval.

So Sally called me this afternoon to tell me the tonight is the night I take the 2 Ovadrel shots, at precisely 9:30pm. I go back in tomorrow for blood work, and the retrieval is scheduled for Friday morning at 8:30, we have to be there at 7:30. She didn't say anything about the fluid and didn't know if I was supposed to continue the suppositories. She called the doctor back and then called me back and told me I was supposed to continue the suppositories through Thursday night. :( I then informed her that I only had enough for 2 on Thursday instead of the prescribed 3 and asked if that would be a problem. She said when I came in tomorrow for the blood work, she would note that and the fluid issue and talk to him about it on Thursday and get back to me.

In all honesty, I was pretty frustrated and hopeless when I left there this morning. However, after mulling it over all day long, I'm not feeling as bad as I was. I still have a ton of questions and am still frustrated with this stupid body of mine, but in the grand scheme of things, this cycle is still going much more smoothly than the last cycle.

So the second batch of Martin Munchhichi's will be made on December 3rd (which is Gus' Dad's birthday). And the transfer will then happen on December 5th, 6th, or 8th. And yes, I've already looked up when the due date would be if this works. A mistake I made the first time that I obviously didn't learn my lesson on. The due date would be August 26th.





Thursday, December 2, 2010



Tomorrow morning can not get here soon enough. I'm in pain. For the past two days, I feel pretty good in the morning, but as the day goes on, I feel worse and worse. Today I feel like my ovaries are going to bust through my skin. I know tomorrow won't be any better either. Once he takes the eggs out, my ovaries are probably going to swell like they did last time.

I did get some good news today though. When I went in for blood work, I talked to the nurse about talking to the doctor about the fluid in my uterus. She just called me to tell me that the doctor said it is nothing to be worried about. I'm not sure if he will aspirate it tomorrow or not, but if he says it's nothing to worry about then I won't.





Saturday, December 4, 2010



Lots of GOOD NEWS to report! First of all though, I have to say, I don't remember the retrieval hurting that much last time. Maybe it was because there were more eggs, but I was in agony yesterday and last night. However, I'm feeling better today, I'm actually able to sit up in a chair so that is progress.

So the retrieval happened yesterday morning, and they got 30 eggs! Doc said I "did well, as usual." He also said the eggs were in much better shape this time around, better quality and bigger. I have no idea if this had anything to do with it, but it made living without chocolate (and all caffeine) worth it. Doc also said that he checked my uterus while we were in there, and he didn't see any sign of fluid!!!

Gus gave me my very first progesterone shot last night, and it went really well. Although I could tell he was a little bit nervous about the whole thing, he did a really good job. He numbed my rear with an ice cube before hand, so I didn't even feel the needle go in. In fact, the only thing I did feel was the medicine going in, which is in oil, so it is pretty thick and is going to leave my rear lumpy. The medicine going in hurt a little, but not nearly as bad as the swollen ovaries I was laying on. This morning, my rear hurts a little. I can definitely feel it as I sit here writing this, but again the pain isn't bad and I can gladly deal with it.

Vicki from the lab called just a few minutes ago. They told us yesterday that not all of the eggs were mature enough to be inseminated, but were hoping they would mature more and could be inseminated later. She said they had 14 eggs that were able to be inseminated yesterday, and out of those 11 of them took. So right now we have 11 embryos. There were a few eggs that have matured that they will do ICSI's on today and a few more that aren't as mature as they would like, but the were going to go ahead with the ICSI's and see what happened. Basically, our hopes are on the original 11 but we could get a few more from the others they are doing today. She did say again, that this time around is looking a lot better than last time, quality wise. They have already scheduled the transfer for Monday at 3pm (which is my niece Lainey's birthday.) She told me she would call back tomorrow with an update on our embryos, or our munchhichis!

I'm still trying to keep my hopes and emotions in check, but it is much harder to do now that everything is going so well compared to last time. We will definitely know before Christmas. My calculations say the test can be done on the 18th or 19th, but that is a weekend, so I'm telling myself I will know on the 20th. Gus and I just discussed this morning after my call with Vicki that we are going to be way to excited to not tell our families at Christmas if it is good news. In fact, we have already discussed how we would tell them. We know we are putting the cart before the horse, but it is nice to dream and give us something to get through all of those shots in the rear!





Tuesday, December 7, 2010



I'm PUPO again!!!! (That is pregnant until proven otherwise.) When we got there yesterday, they did an ultrasound to see if my bladder was full. It was close, but she wanted me to sip on some water until the procedure so that it would be completely full by the time we got in there. I finished the water, as we waited for a while to go back, and my bladder was about ready to explode by the time we started. The doctor was quite impressed with how full it was.

Before we went in, Doc came in and told us we had 3 embryos in the stage they would like them to be at. He said procedure at this point, since we had one round of 2 put back fail already, would be to put 2 or 3 in. He told us the pros and cons of each and then we had a quick decision to make. He told us that if by some small chance we put all 3 in and they took, it wouldn't be good for me. He didn't believe my uterus would be able to sustain a triplet pregnancy, so we would either be risking the entire pregnancy or we would have to reduce. Those words alone made it an easy decision for me. We went with 2. He also said that the rest of the embryos were starting to lag and wasn't sure if we would have any to freeze.

Same process as last time, I had to verify who I was, verify my name and birth date on the dish with our embryos in it, and then they showed us the 2 chosen ones. The doctor then inserted the tubing and was having problems getting it in due to the tilt of my uterus. It made me a little nervous for fear that something was wrong, but he finally got it in. The whole time I was very uncomfortable because the sonographer was pushing hard on my bladder. We got to watch on the screen as they went in, and we were actually able to see them this time around. They also gave us an ultrasound picture to take home. And then sweet relief came, the catheter to drain my bladder! And that felt like it took forever.

The doctor then spoke to each of us, telling me I did great with everything again, said to do lots of praying and gave me the list of restrictions and instructions for the next few days. He wished Gus good luck and shook his hand, and then I was wheeled back to our recovery room where we waited for about 2 hours.

So I am at home now for the rest of the week. Shots are still going good. Gus is doing a good job, but now that there are multiple shots on each cheek, they are getting more and more painful. But I have toughed out worse, and hopefully it will all be worth it.

Oh, and the doctor said before he did the transfer that my uterus looked really good, no signs of any fluid.

I haven't slept well at all over the last couple of nights. I'm sure having so much on my mind isn't helping. Plus, I've been having very strange dreams. But I have nothing to do over the next few days but rest, so hopefully that will make up for not sleeping much.

It's weird, I'm positive, but scared to death to be positive all at the same time. I was "sure" once before and it didn't work out so well for me. I'm not sure this time around, optimistic, but not sure. But also scared to death to get the same phone call as last time. I want this so bad! I would gladly be nauseous, puking, tired, and achy if it meant my dream came true. Hoping and praying for the Martin twins to finally be here in August!





Sunday, December 19, 2010



Well, a lot has happened since I the last time I have written. My first moment of panic came when I realized on Monday, December 13th that I probably had a UTI. I called the doctor's office and they had me come in and give a urine sample. They put my fears at ease by telling me that this is pretty common and that no it didn't just screw up the entire IVF cycle like I thought it had. Sara told me that any time they use a catheter they run the risk of this happening. So Sally called on Tuesday to let me know that I did in fact have a UTI and they put me on antibiotics.

However, Tuesday was the day of the house fire. I won't go into all of details here since I wrote an actual blog post about the details. But Gus and I were discussing that it feels like everything is riding on the pregnancy test results, and the pregnancy test is tomorrow (Monday, December 20th). I have had many conversations with God begging and pleading to let us have this one miracle, so that the whole year doesn't feel like a year we would just like to erase from our memories. We are trying to stay positive, and I will admit that Gus is doing a much better job than I am at this time, but it is really, really hard right now. I remember during the last cycle at this time, I was thinking and saying that if the test came back negative I was going to be surprised. Well, this time around, I'm thinking and saying that if the test comes back positive I'm going to be surprised. It's really strange, last time I was having symptoms and I wasn't pregnant, this time around I'm not having symptoms, except for the ones that can be explained by something else. I'm peeing a lot, but I have a UTI. I'm exhausted, but we haven't been getting much sleep since the fire. And it is really hard to stay positive when you are also preparing yourself to hear what you don't want to hear.

Shots are going okay. I don't think there is an unused spot on my rear now, so every shot hurts no matter how long we ice my cheek before hand. Gus says I also have some bruises on each cheek as well.

I think it goes without saying that our stress level is pretty high right now. Probably higher for Gus since I have left the dealing of the insurance company, contractors and cleaning company to him. We (Gus, Noah and I) are trying to adjust to hotel living, which isn't easy. When I have no where else to be, I like being at home, and it is really strange to think that this hotel room is home for at least the next 3 to 5 months. Gus decorated for Christmas, trying to lighten my mood and make it more homey. It does feel a bit more homey, but still very strange and different. I miss my cat too! I feel so bad for the little guy. But we are moving him after the first of the year to a friends house and hopefully that will work out better for him. I just wish he could be with us. I know I sound like the crazy cat lady, but he is a part of this family and I know he has been through a lot and needs the extra attention right now.

Well, we are off to dinner with some friends. Hopefully, that will get our minds off of tomorrow and maybe we can get some sleep tonight. I can't say enough prayers for tomorrow to be a good day. We really need some good news right now.





Tuesday, December 21, 2010



The pregnancy test was negative. Although I was better prepared to get the news this time around, it wasn't any easier to take. I've already told Gus that I would like to make a follow up appointment with the doctor to ask if he thinks the problem is our embryo quality. If the answer is yes, I'm done. We didn't have any embryos make it to freeze, so my guess is that his answer will be yes. I'm exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. What we do from there is yet to be determined. I have an idea of what I would like to do, but that road isn't going to be easy either. Building your family should be a happy thing and bring you joy just thinking about it. Unfortunately, we have to weigh how much heartache we will be causing ourselves with every decision we make now. Nothing is guaranteed to be successful, we know that all too well. I know my kids are out there somewhere, I'm just not sure how to get to them.

I'm ready for this year to be over with. We deserve much better than this. Hopefully the year 2011 will be someone else's year to be picked on. I can't handle much more. I don't want to live in the "poor me" state, but it is really hard to think differently when you wake up each morning in a hotel because your house caught fire knowing that you will probably never ever have biological children or experience pregnancy and you know you could buy a kid if you had an unlimited amount of money but the adoption process is so backwards it makes you angry just to think about it. I know my attitude isn't the best right now. I'm working on it.





Wednesday, December 22, 2010



Nancy from Dr. Loret de Mola's office called last night. She wanted to check on me to see how I was doing. She said if we needed anything, regarding fertility help, personal help, etc. to not hesitate to call them. She said they were all heartbroken for us and wanted to let us know that we were in their thoughts and prayers. She also said that she knew Dr. Loret de Mola wanted to talk to me again, so whenever we were ready we should schedule an appointment to come in to talk to him. Gus and I were both really impressed that she called and offered so much help and sympathy for us.

Later last night, Gus and I kind of let our imaginations run about what he would want to talk to us about and some of the suggestions he might make and if we would be open to some of the options that he might offer. Obviously, we have no idea what he is going to say, but we did discuss some of what the options might be.

I called this morning to make the follow up appointment, knowing that it might be a little while before they got me in with the holidays and people taking time off. My call was forwarded to Loretta who said the first available appointment was in late January, but she was going to forward me to Sara to have her work me in sooner. When Sara got on the phone, she asked how I was doing and said that Jim was in her office and he told her to tell me he was thinking about us and praying for us. She squeezed me in the first week the Doctor is back in the office. I'm blown away by their compassion. I knew that most of them were really good people (we only have an issue with one nurse), but they have been simply amazing through all of this.

I still can't believe Christmas is this week. With everything that has been going on, it kind of feels like this weekend is just another thing on our list of things to do, and doesn't really feel like a holiday. I'm sure once we get back home and around family it will feel more like Christmas.

With everyone asking how I'm doing, I'm even kind of shocked that I'm doing so well. I don't think everything has really sunk in yet, and I'm sure I will have breakdowns along the way. I have my moments now, but I was better prepared for bad news this time around and I realize again that this isn't the end of the world. Again, we still have options, some I'm not willing to consider, some I wish I didn't have to consider, and some we have already considered but were wishing it wouldn't come to this. I am running out of energy and strength, but I'm not ready to give up completely yet. I still believe I will be a Mom eventually, one way or another.