"Sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win"

Okay, so it has been a little while again and a lot is going on.  First of all Happy Birthday to my currently youngest "child," Nigel!  He is 6 today.  My boys are growing up so fast...

Second of all, Sunday is Easter.  I'm not going to lie, holidays are still rough.  Especially since last year all I could think about were the kids at church in their Easter dresses and little suits and how I couldn't wait to dress our kids up for the occasion.  Watching them twirl and tap their toes to hear their shoes make sounds...sweet dreams of mine.

Third of all, I'm extremely homesick.  I miss my kitchen, my bed, my cat, my clothes and shoes, having room to spread out and having a sense of normalcy. 

Fourth on the list, the house.  Some of you may have heard we would be putting the house on the market when it was done, but those plans have changed.  My dream was to sell it and use some of the equity we would be getting out of it to put toward an adoption.  But I'm quickly realizing that we would have to put about as much into it as we would be getting out in order to sell it.  Gus is still pretty stressed with his new position at work, so he has asked me to pick one of the two things we had planned to do and go with it.  So the house quickly took a back seat.

Fifth, you may be asking what the house took a back seat to, and we have officially decided to begin the adoption process.  We attended a "Discover Adoption Event" in St. Louis on the night of Tuesday, April 12th.  I really liked the agency (not negative at all like the last agency we visited last summer) and the resources they have available, so we filled out the initial application and are waiting to hear if we are approved.  Once we hear that we are approved, we can start the long version of the application and start training, etc.  We will have to be licensed in the state of Illinois for an "Adopt Only" foster license.  Which is another reason we need to stay put at the house.  Once they license the house the license is only good for that address.  If we would move, we would have to reapply and pay all of those wonderful fees all over again to have our new home licensed.  I'm extremely excited about the whole process and scared out of my mind all at the same time.  God is definitely going to have to provide the funds.  We have been sinking money into the house and I know what is left in our savings isn't going to get us very far.  We are also going to have to be very transparent and vulnerable with complete strangers through this entire process, which isn't exactly a comforting thought.  Plus, I have evil thoughts in the back of my head saying "God didn't pick you to be a parent, what makes you think anyone else will."  What if we aren't picked out by a birth mother to parent her child?  Or worse, what if we are picked, and then she/they change their minds?  All things I have to leave in God's hands.  I know he has already chosen my child(ren) for me and I pray daily for peace for the birth parents for their decision and for our road to becoming a family to be short and smooth.  I've already traded medical articles for social work/adoption articles, insurance forms for adoption grant applications, and little pieces of my heartache for new hope.

I guess I should explain the title I chose for today's entry.  That is a line from a song and I sincerely hope that we are done losing and on the right path for new beginnings ending in winning.  I've become really attached to some songs lately.  I think it is because they can express emotions and words that I can't seem to put into words myself.  And the songs make me feel like they understand me and what I'm going through.  Grief is so hard express in healthy forms.  Most of the time it looks pretty ugly.  But the words to the songs below help me feel like I'm expressing a little of what is going on inside of me.  I realize that one of the songs has to do with the loss of (separation from) someone loved, but the grieving process is the same.

A Little Bit Stronger

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in my car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listed to it for a minute but then I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger....

I Won't Let Go

It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
You're not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we're too small
To stop the rain
But when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No I won't