The Push for Perfection

We all do it.  We strive to be the best _____________ that we can be.  We hold these high, lofty expectations that we will probably never meet.  And then we end up feeling like failures.  More on that in a moment.

So, I haven't blogged about this yet, but I was picked to be 1 of 500 people to launch the next release of one of my favorite authors out of 5,000 applicants.  I'm still kind of in shock that I made the cut.  I'm in the process of reading the book now, I have the chance to write an endorsement for the book and then spread the word about how great it is and when/where you all can buy it.  The book is For the Love by Jen Hatmaker, and it has become pretty obvious that I was picked because I need this book way more than this book needs me. 

And that's not all of it.  I went to my first Hearts at Home conference a few weeks ago....holy cow.  More truth being spoken that I so needed to hear. 

So how does all of this come together?  Well, this season has been incredibly difficult for me from the parenting aspect.  I am currently a single mother 71.4% of the time.  Most of you know what our current living situation is (and if you don't, just roll with it.  I'm not going to make any Internet confessions that may come back to haunt me.  And my marriage is fine, so don't go spreading any rumors.)  And I feel so, so sorry for MJ.  By the end of the day, I'm so tired. Between being wife, Mom, working full time, getting things cleaned up at the house and ready for our move, by bed time I just want to be able to put him to bed and have 5 consecutive seconds to sit and think about NOTHING.  (This kid has more energy than ever and does NOT slow down when he is tired.)  I've lost my patience more than I've held it together.  I've been correcting more than I've been playing.  And he's just 3 months shy from turning 3!  What exactly am I expecting?!?!  Way too much...from him and from me.

So all of these sources have been telling me that perfection is unattainable. (Obviously.)  That I should give myself some slack and grace. (Okay.)  But...as an adoptive parent, I think this is so much harder.  We are not only parenting this child with our goals, expectations, dreams, etc. in mind.  Someone else has trusted us to raise this child.  That someone else (in our case, (I hope anyway)) will see the man he becomes.  And I sincerely hope, they are not disappointed.  Just as every child is a gift from God, and we have to answer to Him for our choices, this child is a gift from another woman.  And although I do not have to answer to her, I really want her to be confident (happy, reassured, relieved, blessed) with her choice.  She lovingly gave this child up because she knew she could not be the parent he needed her to be at this time in her life.  She wanted better for him.  I know perfection is not attainable.  I will never be the perfect Mom.  I am the perfect Mom for MJ though.  I know that.  She wasn't the only one who chose me to be his Mom.  God chose me too.  There is a possibility that I am the only adoptive parent who has added this imaginary pressure.  Regardless, if you are an adoptive parent, I would love to hear your feedback on this...