Guilt & the Word 'No"

First of all, let me start by saying that the great carpet fiasco of 2011 appears to be over. We have been to 3 places and picked out carpet 3 times, and we have finally got it ordered. It is scheduled to be installed next Wednesday. So all we will have left are loose ends and the final cleaning from the restoration company, and it looks like we will be back home by November 1st!

Secondly, I'm not sure if I have fully explained how the adoption process is going to work from here. Once the home study is done, we will start receiving scenarios of birth parents looking for adoptive families. They will give us some background information, we can decide if we want more information and then give them a "yes, show them our profile," or a "no, don't show them our profile." If we opt to have our profile shown, we will then obviously be contacted on whether or not the birth parents have chosen us and the next step from there. They also have "cold calls," which means a baby has already been born, is at the hospital, and is in need of an adoptive family.

I've already mentioned that our social worker told us that this was going to be a bumpy road emotionally, and that she has told us that a cold call leaves you with zero time to prepare. Well, we got a taste of both last night. We received an email with a cold call scenario. We are far enough along in the home study process, and due to the situation, they wanted to give this baby every opportunity possible, so they added us to the scenario list. This baby is at the hospital waiting for a family so it can be discharged. The baby has some major medical complications, is terminal, and isn't expected to make it more than 2 years. Now, when we filled out our preference sheet for the adoption agency, we had already said we would not be open to taking a child with major medical issues. And just by checking the box, we had guilty feelings associated with our decision. Now, put an actual child in the mix and my guilty feelings sky rocketed. We went through the excitement of getting our first scenario to extreme quilt in about three minutes flat. We know we do not have the resources to be able to care for such a child. I know deep down in my heart, I don't want to intentionally fall in love with a baby that will be gone way too quickly. We feel we are not the best match to handle this baby's needs. However, in the back of my mind, I keep saying, if we were able to conceive and give birth to this exact baby, we would take it home, love it, and LEARN daily how to handle the baby's needs. We are not able to conceive, so we are plagued with the power to choose.

I have been praying for peace for the birth parents decisions...I think I need to add peace for our decisions to the list. I'm beginning to understand a world few will ever experience first hand, and it makes me extremely sad.