So next month officially kicks off our 5th year in our battle with infertility. Oh how I didn't want to make it to year 5. The pregnancy test was on Tuesday morning. I remember laying in bed that morning thinking that our lives could be changing drastically that day. Unfortunately, we didn't get the change I was hoping for and our nightmare continues.
The phone rang Tuesday afternoon and I saw that it was the doctor's office. I answered, and it was the doctor himself, but the first words out of his mouth were "I don't have good news. I'm sorry, but the pregnancy test was negative." He said something after that about the progesterone but I blanked out and couldn't hear anything through my tears. I then hung up the phone and started towards the living room where Gus was. He met me in the dining room where I sobbed on his shoulder for what felt like an eternity. He then spent the rest of his afternoon holding me on the couch. He also had to call the nurse for me, because I had no idea if I was supposed to continue taking the progesterone or stop taking it. The nurse said I could stop taking it and that we should make a follow up appointment to discuss our options from here. My last dose of progesterone was on Tuesday morning. By Wednesday morning, it was night and day difference in my body. All of the symptoms I had been experiencing were gone.
I was "thinking positively" and I even told Gus on Tuesday morning that if the test was negative I was going to be surprised. I had been experiencing nausea before the transfer and then it went away. So I figured it was the hormones and that my body had just gotten used to them. But then Sunday, the nausea started back up and it got stronger and stronger on Monday and Tuesday. I won't make that mistake again.
The only thing that kept me going through 2 surgeries, a handful of smaller procedures, and all those injections was knowing that it would all be worth it in the end. That phone conversation on Tuesday afternoon was NOT WORTH IT!!!!! I feel like such a fool. I'm beginning to wonder if I need to start accepting the one thing I've been fighting for so long.
We have decided to take a break from baby stuff for the next few months. We are going to make a follow up appointment, but I might wait awhile before I do, and just hear what the doctor has to say about moving forward. Based on the last ultrasound we saw at the transfer, I have a feeling the word surgery might come up again. We won't be making any decisions about the future for awhile. We lost all 7 embryos, there was nothing left to freeze, so if we do decide to try again, we are starting over from the beginning.
We did decide that we deserved a break, and are starting to save up to take a cruise. It probably won't happen until the winter or early spring, but we need something to look forward to and to focus our energy on in the coming months.
Once again, we have been on the receiving end of a huge outpouring of love and support. I've received several emails and phone calls. I'm having a really hard time talking about it, so I let the calls go to voicemail and I haven't been able to answer the emails yet. We have some awesome friends who have provided meals for us and we even received a gift card to the movie theatre for some distracting entertainment. We have been blessed with some amazing friends!
Today is Thursday. I went to work this morning, and was doing pretty good until I let my boss know what was going on. She was really supportive and told me if I needed to take some time off to just let her know. Then mother nature decided to put the final nail in the coffin, and if there was any doubt left, she made sure to erase it. I'm bleeding pretty heavily and my back is killing me. So, I only made it through the morning and decided to just take Friday off as well. I know I need to get back to a normal schedule for the sake of my sanity, but I thought a fresh start on Monday sounded a lot better than forcing myself to get through tomorrow. I'm going to distract myself with some cleaning this weekend. And naps. Sleeping isn't coming very easily these days.
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