How Am I?

How am I? Good question. I guess the answer to that depends on if I'm answering based on my emotions or thoughts.


If my emotions win, then I am very angry, frustrated, and tired. I still want kids with Gus' eyes and my curly hair. I want to be able to experience pregnancy. I want to be able to bond with my children before they are ever born. AND I want to be able to do it the "easy" way. I don't normally give up very easily. I guess depending on how you look at the situation, you can argue that I'm not giving up too easily or that I am. I just feel like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall. I've come up with a new definition for infertility treatment. Infertility treatment - the process by which one tries to create life by having their own life sucked out of them. And I think the next person who complains about their kids in front of me is going to wish they kept their mouth shut.


If my thoughts win, then I know I have a choice. And if I choose to be angry and frustrated, I know that it isn't going to help or change my situation. And maybe I'm going through all of this so that one day when someone else hands their child over to me to take care of for the rest of my life, I will cherish that little life with everything that I have and that person will know they made the right decision. Who cares if our child(ren) don't look like us. They will still know that they were wanted and that I prayed for God to bring them to me countless times a day.


I got through this with my faith still in tact. I know that God can still do ANYTHING at this point in time, that is a statement of fact. My hope tank, on the other hand, is at E. Although I know God can preform miracles, deep down in my heart I just feel like there have been so many opportunities along the way that have been passed over that I don't get my hopes too high for future opportunities. And then sometimes I just sit around and wonder why God would bless one family with 19 kids (and counting) and others with none. And how some couples, who aren't even "trying," can get pregnant, but those who have been trying for YEARS have no luck. But we all know that life isn't fair. It's not about who is the most capable or who wants it the most. Everyone's story is different. And as Dolly Parton would say, "if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."