There Are Butterflies In My Tummy

I got a call yesterday from our social worker. The Director has reviewed our file and handed it off to her. She is half way through it and will be handing it off to their Springfield employee to set up our home study! She called to let me know that our process is going to be a little different than most peoples. She would normally let the Springfield employee do the home study on her own, but she is new, so our social worker will be there as well. She wanted to let us know because she said it can be overwhelming to have two of them there, but they aren't gaining up on us. :) We also talked about the progress at the house and she said we could do the 3-4 interviews at the hotel, as long as she could get in to do the safety check at the house before the report was finished being typed, which takes about 3 weeks. So now I'm nervous. I'm sure there will be nothing to worry about. And I know they are looking for real families, not perfect families, but my perfectionism and self-esteem issues get ramped up when I know someone is evaluating me. I'm going to need lots of deep breaths and prayers over the coming weeks.

My source tells me that the floors downstairs have been sanded and they are starting to sand the staircase today. Getting carpet is proving to be harder than it needs to be. Long story, but nothing seems to be quick and easy with this house.

My availability has been updated at job #2! So I just need to get through this week, and next week of 32 hours there and then things should calm down a little. I need to get my days off approved for our Nashville trip. They have been submitted since June, but of course no one looked to see if there were any out there before making the schedule, so now I have to back track to get the time off.

I received an email from a friend, and I hope she doesn't mind that I'm sharing a piece of it with everyone else. She too has had a battle with infertility, but with treatments, she had a beautiful little girl, and she is currently pregnant again, without any treatments this time!!!! Anyway, she wrote this and it made my heart and face smile:

"You wrote a while back about people asking about the adoption process and all the excitement and how it was so similar to being pregnant and people asking questions all the time. I was just thinking that your exhausted, emotional state is exactly how I feel when pregnant. Teary for no reason. Tired to the bone every day. Angry and emotional and overjoyed and heavy in the head from one minute to the next. You're right there! It's all leading up to the same moment for both of us. :)"

After reading that, and then thinking about the phone call I got yesterday that the home study was in the works, and how my feelings started to churn from anxious to excited to thinking the "what ifs," I started to imagine how the call I get from our social worker telling us we have been "picked" is going to feel. There will be relief, excitement, joy...and then remembering that on average, couples experience about 2 failed placements before getting a permanent placement, the fear, doubt, and attempts to not get too excited will creep in. Instead of nesting and getting the nursery ready, we will be flying by the seat of our pants, perhaps going to the hospital for the birth, but still not knowing if we will come home with a new member to our family. Now I know what the emotional ups and downs of the past few years have been preparing us for. Perhaps we will have a few downs, but I'm sure at the end of this we will have one giant up and then you will all have to listen to me ramble about how my kid is the best and look at the gazillion pictures I posted each day.

Here's another random thought, there is a family of cats living in the drain/sewer system by the hotel. There are about 4 or 5 kittens, and they are adorable. They make me miss Nigel, but they make me smile every time I see them, which isn't real often because I usually have Barky McBarkerson with me. You know you have lived in a hotel too long, when your dog is on edge 24/7. I can take him out, and the minute I open our door he is barking at no one. He will look down the hall and bark like there is someone there, and there isn't. He's going crazy!