There is a lot of new stuff happening in our household. And first of all I need to brag on our little guy. I had it set in my head that potty training was going to happen this past weekend. Why? Mainly because I could get a solid 4 days off of work with only using one vacation day to devote to making it happen. I'll be honest...I heard a lot of negative talk. I was nervous. Saturday came and I put underwear on the little guy. I told him his job was to keep them clean and dry. I told him we were done with diapers. We had a hand full of accidents on Saturday (what I expected) and one accident overnight. Sunday came and we had a lot more accidents, including during nap time and overnight. I was really getting nervous. Monday came. We had one accident early in the morning...and then we turned a corner. He did wet the bed on Monday night once, but that was our last accident. He had NO accidents at all yesterday and woke up dry this morning!!!! He is awesome! I packed a diaper free diaper bag for day care today. I was nervous about that too. I was afraid being in a different environment with other kids to distract him from listening to his body would cause a few backward steps. Word from day care is that he has been accident free so far today too (including going #2 in the potty at day care)! :) Don't get me wrong, I'm still expecting accidents. Especially overnight. But thanks to my boss for mentioning the bed potty training pads, clean up is a breeze and he gets back to bed quickly. I can handle that. But I'm just so excited he is doing so well!!!!!!
Besides the fact that we are a diaper free home, most of you have heard that Gus got a promotion at work and we will be moving. We are so proud of him! But, he is about to start that new job (next Tuesday) and our transition time between him starting and us moving is about to begin. We have a list of things that need to be done around the house before we put it on the market, so please pray that we can get all that done quickly and that our house sell quickly. The transition period isn't going to be fun for any of us. Plus, there are a lot of unanswered questions that we need the answers to before we make some pretty hefty decisions like where we will be looking to put new roots down. The major one is the future of my employment. I have approached my boss about working from home 4 days a week and being in the office 1. Our board of directors will have the final say, and they don't meet again until mid-January. So, I'm left in limbo until then. But I think enough of them to at least try to keep my job, I just hope they think enough of me to agree. I know how good I have it at this job. And I will be sad if it doesn't work out and I have to start looking for new employment. Everything about this process is super exciting and super scary all at the same time. So if you are in contact with us over the next several months, please extend us some grace and patience. We are all going to be under some stress. As if potty training wasn't enough. :) But, we know the transition period will only be a short season of time and that the final changes are what is best for our family. I, like most people, probably don't handle change the best. If I have to endure change, I like it to be quick and immediate. So guess what, this is going to be slow and drawn out. But if I've learned anything from life, I know I will get to learn so much more about myself from this process. And being someone with very little confidence in myself (not sure where that stems from, but I think everyone is better suited than myself to do _______) this process will be good for me. So, welcome to our new adventure!
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Who is (insert your name here)?
How do you define yourself? When asked to tell someone about yourself, do you start describing your circumstances? If you are like most people, your response probably sounds something like "I'm a nurse, a wife, mother of 3, who really enjoys getting lost in a good book." Some of our circumstances are truly defining for us. We are born into a family and assigned a role in that family: son/daughter, grandchild, sibling, etc. What we do for work plays a big part of who we are, because most people spend a majority of their day working. So yes, those seem like logical answers when asked to answer the question, who are you?
But we have a choice when it comes to other circumstances of whether we allow them to define us. For instance, I'm infertile. But that isn't how I would answer the question, who is Jeanna? Although that is my reality and always will be, I don't let it define me. Yes, it still makes me sad that I will never be able to feel a tiny life growing inside of me, to never have a pre-birth connection with my child(ren) and to not have the pregnancy milestones with the sonogram pictures, finding out the gender, etc. But what defines me more than all of this was my dream to become a Mom. Our dreams should define us more than our circumstances. We may not have sonogram pictures of Mitchell or dates to put in his baby book about when we found out his gender or what his due date was supposed to be, but we have a bunch of other COOL stories about how he came into our lives. And again, the how isn't important when asked who I am. If you know me, you know I'm not shy about telling our story, so we don't hide the fact that Mitchell is adopted. But if I'm meeting someone for the first time, I simply tell them I'm a mom to a little boy. Unless it is extremely relevant, I leave out the part that he is adopted. Why? Because, how I became a Mom doesn't change the fact that I am one. So I guess my point is that no matter what your circumstances are, you have a choice of whether you let them define you or if you find a way to overcome them and let your dreams define you. My infertility has shaped me into the person I am today, but I no longer claim the title. I'm not infertile, I'm maternal.
But we have a choice when it comes to other circumstances of whether we allow them to define us. For instance, I'm infertile. But that isn't how I would answer the question, who is Jeanna? Although that is my reality and always will be, I don't let it define me. Yes, it still makes me sad that I will never be able to feel a tiny life growing inside of me, to never have a pre-birth connection with my child(ren) and to not have the pregnancy milestones with the sonogram pictures, finding out the gender, etc. But what defines me more than all of this was my dream to become a Mom. Our dreams should define us more than our circumstances. We may not have sonogram pictures of Mitchell or dates to put in his baby book about when we found out his gender or what his due date was supposed to be, but we have a bunch of other COOL stories about how he came into our lives. And again, the how isn't important when asked who I am. If you know me, you know I'm not shy about telling our story, so we don't hide the fact that Mitchell is adopted. But if I'm meeting someone for the first time, I simply tell them I'm a mom to a little boy. Unless it is extremely relevant, I leave out the part that he is adopted. Why? Because, how I became a Mom doesn't change the fact that I am one. So I guess my point is that no matter what your circumstances are, you have a choice of whether you let them define you or if you find a way to overcome them and let your dreams define you. My infertility has shaped me into the person I am today, but I no longer claim the title. I'm not infertile, I'm maternal.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Ironic
My husband works for a very large snack food (chip) company. I have been to three company sponsored family events where food has been served...but not one chip was at any of these events. Ironic, huh?
Speaking of ironic...we have entered the temper tantrum twos. Whenever I'm in the middle of something, Mitchell will ask me for something, and my response is usually, "sure, but give me a minute." His response...usually wailing, crying, screaming, etc. I then have to tell him, "Mama didn't say no, I just said not right now. Please let me finish (fill in the blank) and I will get (fill in the blank) for you." The other day, after repeatedly making that statement, I thought, this is probably the way I sounded when we were going through our infertility struggle. My whining, complaining and asking why must have sounded like a two year-old's temper tantrum to God. I'm sure his response was, "Jeanna, I didn't say no, I said not right now." Light bulb! I've heard it said that having children gives you a clearer picture of your relationship with the Lord. Yes, yes it does.
We had the privilege to share our story with a group of potential adoptive families last night. Our adoption agency (Bethany Christian Services) has recently opened an office in Springfield, and even more recently has had enough growth to put on a "Discover Bethany" event in town. It gives families an overview of their services and the adoption process. A way for families to get their feet wet and see if adoption is something they want to pursue. We were asked if we would be willing to come and share our story with the group, so they could hear first hand from a family who has been through the process. It was an amazing experience. I have always said that I would share our story with whoever asked. Besides, it is really God's story, he just chose us to be the leading characters in this particular story. After the event was over, a woman approached me and told me she had been dealing with infertility testing and treatment and her and her husband had just recently decided to move on and pursue adoption. In that moment, I saw a reflection of myself from about 3 years ago. So much hurt, fear and hope for the future all bundled into one emotional package. I did my best to reassure her that she was about to embark on an amazing journey and someday she would look back and realize it was all apart of God's plan.
On a side note, our church is starting a Family Life series in September. We have been asked to take a picture of our family with the Family Life sign, post the picture to the church's Facebook page, and then give the sign as an invitation to attend the series to another family. We knew we wanted our picture to have some sort of tie to adoption in it. So Gus suggested we take our picture with a Bethany Christian Services sign at the event last night. So here is our Family Life photo:
Speaking of ironic...we have entered the temper tantrum twos. Whenever I'm in the middle of something, Mitchell will ask me for something, and my response is usually, "sure, but give me a minute." His response...usually wailing, crying, screaming, etc. I then have to tell him, "Mama didn't say no, I just said not right now. Please let me finish (fill in the blank) and I will get (fill in the blank) for you." The other day, after repeatedly making that statement, I thought, this is probably the way I sounded when we were going through our infertility struggle. My whining, complaining and asking why must have sounded like a two year-old's temper tantrum to God. I'm sure his response was, "Jeanna, I didn't say no, I said not right now." Light bulb! I've heard it said that having children gives you a clearer picture of your relationship with the Lord. Yes, yes it does.
We had the privilege to share our story with a group of potential adoptive families last night. Our adoption agency (Bethany Christian Services) has recently opened an office in Springfield, and even more recently has had enough growth to put on a "Discover Bethany" event in town. It gives families an overview of their services and the adoption process. A way for families to get their feet wet and see if adoption is something they want to pursue. We were asked if we would be willing to come and share our story with the group, so they could hear first hand from a family who has been through the process. It was an amazing experience. I have always said that I would share our story with whoever asked. Besides, it is really God's story, he just chose us to be the leading characters in this particular story. After the event was over, a woman approached me and told me she had been dealing with infertility testing and treatment and her and her husband had just recently decided to move on and pursue adoption. In that moment, I saw a reflection of myself from about 3 years ago. So much hurt, fear and hope for the future all bundled into one emotional package. I did my best to reassure her that she was about to embark on an amazing journey and someday she would look back and realize it was all apart of God's plan.
On a side note, our church is starting a Family Life series in September. We have been asked to take a picture of our family with the Family Life sign, post the picture to the church's Facebook page, and then give the sign as an invitation to attend the series to another family. We knew we wanted our picture to have some sort of tie to adoption in it. So Gus suggested we take our picture with a Bethany Christian Services sign at the event last night. So here is our Family Life photo:
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Random Ramblings
Working full time and running a household is hard work. Working full time, running a household and parenting a baby is harder work. Working full time, running a household and parenting a toddler is even harder work. And MJ has recently decided that going to bed is optional. :( Bed time has never been hard with him, he has been a great sleeper since the night he came home. But being in a big boy bed leaves him with freedoms he chooses to exercise. Lately, it takes me about 45 minutes to get him settled enough to actually stay in his bed (not asleep yet, but staying in his bed.) And he does not like to hear the word no. So we have some behavioral issues we are working on and it feels like we aren't making any progress as we are all tired by the time we get home at night and we only have a couple hours together (including the making, eating and clean up of dinner and bath time) before we start the struggle to get him into bed. But after a few hard nights of little sleep (as he isn't sleeping through the night now either) it is so nice to get the unexpected and unsolicited "Love you Mommy" from the back seat on our way to the sitters, followed by a "so much" and a kissy noise. :)
Mitchell is a little sponge. And it is so strange to hear my words coming out of his mouth. The other morning after getting him settled for breakfast, I went into the kitchen and then the dog promptly started barking. Before I could react, I hear from the dinning room, "NOAH BEAR! I EATING! HUSH! Goodness...goodness." That is almost word for word what I would say. He also answers questions with "umm" a lot, which Gus says he gets from me too.
And this is just too cute that I have to share. This morning, we were coming downstairs for breakfast and MJ looks at me with a big smile and says "Mama, I like your pants!" I'm wearing a skirt today. :) I also made rice crispy treats the other day and last night as he was eating one, MJ: "yum...good...yummy...Mama what is this?" Me: "That's a rice crispy treat." MJ: "Crispy tweet." He is just so much fun!
Okay, I know this is morbid, but I can't look at our dog without thinking that he isn't going to be around much longer and it just makes me sad. He is such a good dog. He is my shadow from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed. He is great with MJ and I think that is why I'm already dreading him not being around. It is hard enough loosing a pet without having to watch your child's heart break too. MJ is definitely an animal lover (just like his Mommy), and I have no doubt that he will take it hard when it does happen. But, I hope that doesn't happen any time soon. I hope Noah Bear is around for years to come and Mitchell has plenty more opportunities to tell him to hush!
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
What to Say...When You Don't Know What to Say
I've recently been introduced to the song "Not Right Now" by Jason Gray. And I'm blown away by how songs have the ability to draw so much emotion from me, even now, after the "smoke has cleared" and life is good. I think they just make me feel normal, like someone understands me and I'm not as crazy as I think I am. But this song (lyrics below) brought back so many memories...both good and bad, about well intentioned family, friends and acquaintances. Most people know that if you don't have the right words to say a simple "Your in my thoughts and prayers." Or "if you need anything, don't hesitate to call." Or "I'm here if you want to talk" are all acceptable things to say. I've learned that if you express your concern for the person and let them know your willing to be a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, that is enough.
However, we unfortunately had the "salt in the open wound" comments as well. Like, "have you thought about getting a puppy?" "Maybe if you drop a few pounds, you'll get pregnant." "Now that you have decided to adopt, I bet you get pregnant!" "Yes, a puppy is exactly what I need to fill this kid sized hole, I think my doctor would tell me if the problem was I just needed to drop a few pounds, and that is physically impossible" was how I wanted to respond to these comments. But instead, I just smiled and nodded and moved on, probably rolling my eyes on departure.
So, my advice (and just a warning...I'm a trained accountant turned operations manager, so take it or leave it) just express your concern for the person and let them know you are there for them in any way you feel comfortable offering.
"Not Right Now"
You could see the smoke from a mile away
And trouble always draws a crowd
They wanna tell me that it'll be okay
But that's not what I need right now
Not while my house is burning down
I know someday
I know somehow
I'll be okay
But not right now
Not right now
Tell me if the hope that you know is true
Ever feels like a lie even from a friend
When their words are salt in an open wound
And they just can't seem to understand
That you haven't even stopped the bleeding yet
I know someday
I know somehow
I'll be okay
But not right now
No, not right now
Don't tell me when I'm grieving
That this happened for a reason
Maybe one day we'll talk about the dreams that had to die
For new ones to come alive
But not right now
While I wait for the smoke to clear
You don't even have to speak
Just sit with me in the ashes here
And together we can pray for peace
To the one acquainted with our grief
I know someday
I know somehow
I'll be okay
But not right now
Not right now
No, not right now
However, we unfortunately had the "salt in the open wound" comments as well. Like, "have you thought about getting a puppy?" "Maybe if you drop a few pounds, you'll get pregnant." "Now that you have decided to adopt, I bet you get pregnant!" "Yes, a puppy is exactly what I need to fill this kid sized hole, I think my doctor would tell me if the problem was I just needed to drop a few pounds, and that is physically impossible" was how I wanted to respond to these comments. But instead, I just smiled and nodded and moved on, probably rolling my eyes on departure.
So, my advice (and just a warning...I'm a trained accountant turned operations manager, so take it or leave it) just express your concern for the person and let them know you are there for them in any way you feel comfortable offering.
"Not Right Now"
You could see the smoke from a mile away
And trouble always draws a crowd
They wanna tell me that it'll be okay
But that's not what I need right now
Not while my house is burning down
I know someday
I know somehow
I'll be okay
But not right now
Not right now
Tell me if the hope that you know is true
Ever feels like a lie even from a friend
When their words are salt in an open wound
And they just can't seem to understand
That you haven't even stopped the bleeding yet
I know someday
I know somehow
I'll be okay
But not right now
No, not right now
Don't tell me when I'm grieving
That this happened for a reason
Maybe one day we'll talk about the dreams that had to die
For new ones to come alive
But not right now
While I wait for the smoke to clear
You don't even have to speak
Just sit with me in the ashes here
And together we can pray for peace
To the one acquainted with our grief
I know someday
I know somehow
I'll be okay
But not right now
Not right now
No, not right now
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
My Blessings
I know this post is a little early, but my schedule is packed for the rest of the week and I'm surrounded by post it lists and white board lists of things that need to get done and I don't want to miss my opportunity to brag on two of my favorite people, which we will be celebrating this weekend!
First of all, a very HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY to a little guy who has completely turned our world upside down for the better. He blesses us each and every day with his gigantic heart and silliness. He is so much fun to teach and watch grow. He is incredibly smart, funny, energetic and loving. He loves music, animals and books. He also likes to test his boundaries...a lot, but he wouldn't be a kid if he didn't. He is also a dare devil, which scares me, but makes me marvel at his passion for life. He is an amazing little man, and I'm so happy and proud to be his Mama! Love you Mitchell J.!
And of course, a very HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to Gus! He is an amazing father to Mitchell and he works incredibly hard for our little family. The man manages 1 1/2 jobs on top of taking care of us. Not an easy task, but he makes it work. He is willing to dive head first into the not so fun tasks of parenting (like when MJ puked in the car on the way home from vacation) and also makes time for the fun tasks like wrestling and roughhousing (which Mommy isn't so good at). He teaches Mitchell about his faith, about relationships, about "manly" things, about respect, and the importance of education. He is an earthly model of Mitchell's heavenly Father's love for him. He is involved...what Mitchell's birthmother wanted for him...a family unit consisting of a Mother and Father who would both be there for him. He is an amazing man, and I'm so happy and proud to be his wife! I love you Gus! Thanks for being an incredible Dad to Mitchell!
First of all, a very HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY to a little guy who has completely turned our world upside down for the better. He blesses us each and every day with his gigantic heart and silliness. He is so much fun to teach and watch grow. He is incredibly smart, funny, energetic and loving. He loves music, animals and books. He also likes to test his boundaries...a lot, but he wouldn't be a kid if he didn't. He is also a dare devil, which scares me, but makes me marvel at his passion for life. He is an amazing little man, and I'm so happy and proud to be his Mama! Love you Mitchell J.!
Hershey Park
Hershey Park
Making tourists look cool!
Loves his "Baby!"
First Chocolate Milk
Letting the music take over in Gettysburg...
And of course, a very HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to Gus! He is an amazing father to Mitchell and he works incredibly hard for our little family. The man manages 1 1/2 jobs on top of taking care of us. Not an easy task, but he makes it work. He is willing to dive head first into the not so fun tasks of parenting (like when MJ puked in the car on the way home from vacation) and also makes time for the fun tasks like wrestling and roughhousing (which Mommy isn't so good at). He teaches Mitchell about his faith, about relationships, about "manly" things, about respect, and the importance of education. He is an earthly model of Mitchell's heavenly Father's love for him. He is involved...what Mitchell's birthmother wanted for him...a family unit consisting of a Mother and Father who would both be there for him. He is an amazing man, and I'm so happy and proud to be his wife! I love you Gus! Thanks for being an incredible Dad to Mitchell!
Awww
With Daddy at Hershey Park
Biking it!
Thursday, April 24, 2014
I'm No Hero
We lost my Grandma the day after Thanksgiving. I was recently visiting where she lived and had the opportunity to see some of the people she went to church with. I was approached by a gentleman who thanked me for adopting Mitchell and said how great it was of us to do such a thing. I simply thanked him in return and we parted ways shortly thereafter.
That conversation has bothered me ever since. I think it is because I realize my motives for wanting to adopt were more on the selfish side than on the caring for others side. But, it doesn't really matter. Because it was still God's plan coming to fruition. Something had to keep me going when obstacles arose. Something had to make me want to move forward when the path just seemed to hard. And if that something was a DEEP longing to be a mother, that God had planted in my heart, who am I to judge. The truth is, Mitchell is making just as much of a difference in my life as I am making in his. Parenting is hard. But I wouldn't trade the opportunity to be Mitchell's Mom for anything. The rewards are GREAT.
So, I wish I would have responded to that gentleman with "I'm no hero. I was just following where God was leading me." Instead of "Thank you."
No matter how hard of a job it is, I LOVE being this little guy's Mommy!
"Cheeseburger!"
That conversation has bothered me ever since. I think it is because I realize my motives for wanting to adopt were more on the selfish side than on the caring for others side. But, it doesn't really matter. Because it was still God's plan coming to fruition. Something had to keep me going when obstacles arose. Something had to make me want to move forward when the path just seemed to hard. And if that something was a DEEP longing to be a mother, that God had planted in my heart, who am I to judge. The truth is, Mitchell is making just as much of a difference in my life as I am making in his. Parenting is hard. But I wouldn't trade the opportunity to be Mitchell's Mom for anything. The rewards are GREAT.
So, I wish I would have responded to that gentleman with "I'm no hero. I was just following where God was leading me." Instead of "Thank you."
No matter how hard of a job it is, I LOVE being this little guy's Mommy!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Gotcha Day
I've decided that I'm really happy Gotcha Day lands so close to Christmas. In the hype of the holidays, it's easy to forget what exactly Christmas means. The real reason we celebrate Christmas is to celebrate the gift given to us by our heavenly Father, the gift of his only son. Mitchell is an earthly reminder of this for me. The gift of salvation through Jesus is the ultimate gift. There are very few gifts we humans can give each other that come close to this. I believe the best gifts we can give each other as humans are love and forgiveness. However, Gus and I were given a gift that ranks right up there as well. Mitchell is a gift to us from God and from his birth mother. His adoption is also a gift to him. A gift that, no matter how sure you are that you can't care for him on your own, couldn't have been an easy decision to make. For one person to trust another person with the permanent care of their child, well, it's no small miracle. Gotcha Day will be celebrated in our house every year. Yes, it was the "ending" of a long journey. And yes, it was more than worth it. But it is also a reminder that God was there all along the way.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
"Bad times make the good times better"
I would definitely agree with the title of this post. When we were in our seven years of waiting, I would often daydream about certain moments that all parents experience at one point or another. Or I would see family/friends with their little ones and think, "awe, I can't wait until that is me in the Mommy role."
My baby isn't so much a baby anymore. He will always be my baby, but he is drastically becoming a very thriving toddler. As much as it makes me sad that we are growing out of the baby stage already, it is very exciting to experience all of his "firsts" with him. And I've been able to catch a few of those moments I longed for on "film." Not all of them, but some that I will cherish for life. Like...
Early morning snuggles on the couch (yes, I have bed head and proud of it!)
Tiny fingers wrapped around my fingers.
Little hands tugging at my pants, wanting "up." (I know you are wanting to know where to get that awesome kitchen flooring.)
Plus, all of the moments I haven't been able to catch on "film" yet...like the hugs and kisses, especially when I'm not asking for one and he gives me one anyway. The 7 years of waiting has made the last year and almost 4 months so much sweeter. We are blessed with an amazing little Nugget!
And here is a cute picture, just because.
My baby isn't so much a baby anymore. He will always be my baby, but he is drastically becoming a very thriving toddler. As much as it makes me sad that we are growing out of the baby stage already, it is very exciting to experience all of his "firsts" with him. And I've been able to catch a few of those moments I longed for on "film." Not all of them, but some that I will cherish for life. Like...
Early morning snuggles on the couch (yes, I have bed head and proud of it!)
Tiny fingers wrapped around my fingers.
Little hands tugging at my pants, wanting "up." (I know you are wanting to know where to get that awesome kitchen flooring.)
And here is a cute picture, just because.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Recent Events
There have been some horrible news stories lately...like most news stories are, unfortunately. Two of which I'm referring to, ended horribly wrong for two little kids, who were taken from this earth far too soon by their own family members. And like most people, I hear these stories and think, "what a sick and twisted world we live in, but there isn't much I can do except to pray for the families." And so I rehash the stories over and over in my brain and wonder how something like this could happen and too bad I can't make a huge difference in the world so stories like this would stop.
And then it hit me. I do have the power to change "the world." Maybe just a small part of it, but what if we all just went back to practicing the golden rules. What if we all treated everyone we came into contact with the way we would like to be treated in return? Including those closest to us, the ones we don't usually watch what we say too or how we say it. The ones who get us at the end of the day when we are tired, crabby, etc., etc. The ones who have to deal with us when we are sick and aren't "ourselves."
My sad confession time, my (almost) 15 month old has heard me apologize to him on several occasions for losing my patience with him as he squirmed and was uncooperative for a diaper change because I was running late. Is it his fault I chose to hit the snooze button? No, but I sure made it seem like it was. So instead of having to apologize to him...why not just accept the responsibility for my actions going into the diaper change and accept that I will be late for....
Character is what we do when no one is watching. Who is your "no one?" Gus and Mitchell are just a few of mine. I want to be the wife and mom to them that others looking in see (you know, how we appear in public.) Because I do believe that small things matter. The small things add up to be big things. And if we are treating "our" people the way they should be treated, the cycle continues outside of our homes.
And then it hit me. I do have the power to change "the world." Maybe just a small part of it, but what if we all just went back to practicing the golden rules. What if we all treated everyone we came into contact with the way we would like to be treated in return? Including those closest to us, the ones we don't usually watch what we say too or how we say it. The ones who get us at the end of the day when we are tired, crabby, etc., etc. The ones who have to deal with us when we are sick and aren't "ourselves."
My sad confession time, my (almost) 15 month old has heard me apologize to him on several occasions for losing my patience with him as he squirmed and was uncooperative for a diaper change because I was running late. Is it his fault I chose to hit the snooze button? No, but I sure made it seem like it was. So instead of having to apologize to him...why not just accept the responsibility for my actions going into the diaper change and accept that I will be late for....
Character is what we do when no one is watching. Who is your "no one?" Gus and Mitchell are just a few of mine. I want to be the wife and mom to them that others looking in see (you know, how we appear in public.) Because I do believe that small things matter. The small things add up to be big things. And if we are treating "our" people the way they should be treated, the cycle continues outside of our homes.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Happy 1st Birthday, Mitchell!!!
How has a year passed so quickly?!?! It may be your birthday, Mitchell, but Daddy and I are the ones who received an amazing gift the day you entered this world! And you have brought so much JOY into our lives with each passing moment of time.
We weren't there for your birth, we were actually on our way to St. Louis for a Cardinals/White Sox game. We had put our name in for your scenario, but you weren't due until the beginning of July. Your arrival and your journey home was completely unexpected. But just what Daddy and I needed.
I don't know the exact time of your birth. (Okay, I do now. I had so much guilt with writing those words, that I had to pull out your birth certificate and look. I knew it was around 4pm. For the record, you were born at 4:16pm.) But I do know where I was and what I was doing when we got the text and email from the adoption agency that the scenario we had put our names in for had just been sped up tremendously because you had arrived. And when Rachel called to tell us we were the chosen family. And when Aimee called to tell us your birth mother had signed the necessary paperwork. And when Rachel called back to tell us, "nope, it isn't going to be a few more days, you are getting him TODAY!"
Okay, so my point is...you may not have my eyes or crazy hair, but you have always and will always have my heart. We may not share the same talents or interests, but I will always be your biggest fan and cheerleader. You may someday question why you were given the path before you, but I know you were created for this path.
I've thought about this a lot over the past year or so. And in my humble opinion, you have to have had experienced heartache before you can truly experience joy. I think you can experience happiness at any point in time, but true joy comes after the heartache. I looked up the meaning of Joy and here is what I found:
Definition of JOY 1 a : the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires : delight b : the expression or exhibition of such emotion : gaiety 2 : a state of happiness or felicity : bliss 3 : a source or cause of delight
Mitchell, this definition is describing you! Please don't ever forget that. I will do my best everyday to help you remember. We love you sooooo much!
After we brought you home for the first time, I don't think your father or I slept more than an hour that first night. Not because you were keeping us up, you slept really well that first night, but because, at least for me, I was afraid to go to sleep and have all of this be a dream the next morning. Plus, I couldn't stop taking you in. Every little move you made was amazing to me. My eyes were glued to you. And we had a ton of phone calls to make surprising our family and friends with your arrival. My favorite phone calls were to your grandparents. My parents were on a trip, so we left a message for them to call us ASAP. Now you have to realize that we have made many heartbreaking calls to your grandparents over the past few years. My Dad (Grandpa to you) told me when he got our message, he walked away from the group with his cell phone wondering what the news could possibly hold this time and what he should prepare himself for. And his phone call found me...holding you! Happy 1st Birthday, Mitchell Jonathan!!!!
We weren't there for your birth, we were actually on our way to St. Louis for a Cardinals/White Sox game. We had put our name in for your scenario, but you weren't due until the beginning of July. Your arrival and your journey home was completely unexpected. But just what Daddy and I needed.
I don't know the exact time of your birth. (Okay, I do now. I had so much guilt with writing those words, that I had to pull out your birth certificate and look. I knew it was around 4pm. For the record, you were born at 4:16pm.) But I do know where I was and what I was doing when we got the text and email from the adoption agency that the scenario we had put our names in for had just been sped up tremendously because you had arrived. And when Rachel called to tell us we were the chosen family. And when Aimee called to tell us your birth mother had signed the necessary paperwork. And when Rachel called back to tell us, "nope, it isn't going to be a few more days, you are getting him TODAY!"
Okay, so my point is...you may not have my eyes or crazy hair, but you have always and will always have my heart. We may not share the same talents or interests, but I will always be your biggest fan and cheerleader. You may someday question why you were given the path before you, but I know you were created for this path.
I've thought about this a lot over the past year or so. And in my humble opinion, you have to have had experienced heartache before you can truly experience joy. I think you can experience happiness at any point in time, but true joy comes after the heartache. I looked up the meaning of Joy and here is what I found:
Definition of JOY 1 a : the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires : delight b : the expression or exhibition of such emotion : gaiety 2 : a state of happiness or felicity : bliss 3 : a source or cause of delight
Mitchell, this definition is describing you! Please don't ever forget that. I will do my best everyday to help you remember. We love you sooooo much!
After we brought you home for the first time, I don't think your father or I slept more than an hour that first night. Not because you were keeping us up, you slept really well that first night, but because, at least for me, I was afraid to go to sleep and have all of this be a dream the next morning. Plus, I couldn't stop taking you in. Every little move you made was amazing to me. My eyes were glued to you. And we had a ton of phone calls to make surprising our family and friends with your arrival. My favorite phone calls were to your grandparents. My parents were on a trip, so we left a message for them to call us ASAP. Now you have to realize that we have made many heartbreaking calls to your grandparents over the past few years. My Dad (Grandpa to you) told me when he got our message, he walked away from the group with his cell phone wondering what the news could possibly hold this time and what he should prepare himself for. And his phone call found me...holding you! Happy 1st Birthday, Mitchell Jonathan!!!!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Dear Samuel,
It is hard to believe that this time last year, we were waiting for your arrival. You will be 1 on Monday. Happy 1st Birthday!!!!! I wish we could see you, to see how much you have changed over the year. Regardless, I hope you receive the gifts you have given me over the last year.
Knowing unconditional love. I hope you have a chance to give and receive it, to recognize it and to understand how incredible it is.
Joy. You brought so much joy into our lives during our short time together.
Faith and Hope. When nothing in our world was making sense, you gave me a reason to cling to my faith and hope. I'm extremely thankful I had both of them to carry me through those dark days.
Trust in God's plan. For reasons we may never know, we were not meant to be a family. When you were born, God knew little Mitchell needed us more than you did. But God has plans for you little one.
Witness a miracle. I was able to be there, in the room, when you entered this world. An experience I will probably never have again. And something I will never forget.
I guess the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," is true. You taught me so much about myself and about my loved ones in our short time together. As we watch Mitchell grow and develop, I can't help but wonder about you. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. And you are burned into my heart and memory forever. You may have never been officially ours, but we couldn't have loved you more.
Happy 1st Birthday, Samuel Mitchell!
Love,
"Mama"
Knowing unconditional love. I hope you have a chance to give and receive it, to recognize it and to understand how incredible it is.
Joy. You brought so much joy into our lives during our short time together.
Faith and Hope. When nothing in our world was making sense, you gave me a reason to cling to my faith and hope. I'm extremely thankful I had both of them to carry me through those dark days.
Trust in God's plan. For reasons we may never know, we were not meant to be a family. When you were born, God knew little Mitchell needed us more than you did. But God has plans for you little one.
Witness a miracle. I was able to be there, in the room, when you entered this world. An experience I will probably never have again. And something I will never forget.
I guess the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," is true. You taught me so much about myself and about my loved ones in our short time together. As we watch Mitchell grow and develop, I can't help but wonder about you. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. And you are burned into my heart and memory forever. You may have never been officially ours, but we couldn't have loved you more.
Happy 1st Birthday, Samuel Mitchell!
Love,
"Mama"
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Thanksgiving 2012
It's that time of year again...already! So, in case you were wondering, here is what I'm thankful for this year:
- I'm thankful I have so much to be thankful for.
- That in a world of "me, me, me" I've had the opportunity to form a relationship with someone who was more focused on the well being of her child than herself. Our birth mother, Lindsay, has given us an amazing gift. We can never thank her enough.
- For our home...it wasn't so long ago that we were living in a hotel.
- For our jobs. Many, many people are without work. We are blessed to have jobs we love and provide for our family.
- For the vehicles that get us to and from work.
- For our church and church family.
- For our fur babies, who probably feel pretty neglected right now. But they are still loved and still a huge part of our family! Plus, Mitchell will need playmates soon.
- For our family that continues to support us every step of the way through our adoption process.
- For our amazing friends who do the same as those in #8.
- For all of my Mommy friends/family who are real enough with me to let me know that there is no such thing as Supermom. Who don't make me feel like a failure because I can't do 17 things at once. I think you are all awesome moms and your children are lucky to have you!
- For KK (a.k.a. Karen). It is much easier to leave your child for the day when you know they are in good hands.
- That Mitchell has two full sets of grandparents. And four living great-grandparents.
- That both sets of grandparents are other examples to MJ of how marriage should work. That it is meant to be a life long commitment.
- For the adoption agency who has been great support over the last two years, helping us get to this point.
- For a recent diagnosis that has forced me to take better care of myself.
- For pictures, that let us capture a moment in time.
- For our pediatrician, who is great with Mitchell and us and is willing to do the extra paperwork necessary because MJ is being adopted.
- That I was patient enough to wait out God's plan.
- For all the men and woman who risk(ed) their life or lost their life defending our freedom.
- For Gus. He is an incredible husband and father. He has been by my side through the worst of the worst and the best of the best. I wouldn't want anyone else there with me.
- For Mitchell Jonathan!!!!!
- That MJ is a happy and healthy baby.
- That I'm finally a mommy.
- That I was able to rock my baby boy to sleep last night.
- That I still get to hear, "your son looks a lot like you!"
- That Mitchell likes to cuddle. And he gives really good hugs.
- That Mitchell has the opportunity to know his birth mother.
- That holidays are anticipated with excitement again.
- That I know what overwhelming heartache is and that I've experienced true joy as well.
- That God answers prayers!
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Here
Ever since our first IVF attempt, I've had a song picked out for our first video slide show of baby pictures. I'm so very thankful that the song has finally been utilized. You may want to have some Kleenex handy...or maybe you just aren't as emotional as I am. :) I hope this works...it's my first time producing a video.
RASCAL FLATTS - HERE
There’s a place I’ve been lookin' for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times even settled down
Then I’d hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now
The place that I was tryin' to reach
Was you right here in front of me
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’d walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I’d relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumble, step
That led to you and got me here
Right here, oh, baby
It's amazin', what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holdin'
What I never thought I'd find
I know now
There’s a million roads I had to take
To get me in your arms this way
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’d walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I’d relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumble, step
That led to you and got me here
In a love I never thought I get to, get to, here
And if that's the road God made me take
To be with you
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’d walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I’d relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumble, step
That led to you and got me here, right here
And I’d relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumble, step
That led to you and got me here
Right here, oh, baby
Ooh, oh got me here
RASCAL FLATTS - HERE
There’s a place I’ve been lookin' for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times even settled down
Then I’d hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now
The place that I was tryin' to reach
Was you right here in front of me
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’d walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I’d relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumble, step
That led to you and got me here
Right here, oh, baby
It's amazin', what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holdin'
What I never thought I'd find
I know now
There’s a million roads I had to take
To get me in your arms this way
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’d walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I’d relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumble, step
That led to you and got me here
In a love I never thought I get to, get to, here
And if that's the road God made me take
To be with you
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’d walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I’d relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumble, step
That led to you and got me here, right here
And I’d relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumble, step
That led to you and got me here
Right here, oh, baby
Ooh, oh got me here
Friday, October 5, 2012
June 18, 2012
"He must have heard every prayer I've been praying...When God made you, He
must've been thinking about me."
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Way Behind
I know I'm way behind on the blog, but being a mom isn't exactly what I expected it to be...it is so much BETTER! So, my "free" time is spent with my hubby and child and not so much more with my computer. You won't be getting much out of me today either, as I'm sitting at my computer at work on my lunch break. I had an idea for a caption for a photo, so once I "created" it, I thought I'd share it on the blog. Enjoy!
And don't worry, some day I'll get back to writing more.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Staycation
I'm to the point where I'm so worn out and tired of the day to day grind, that my husband has suggested I take a few days off of work for...me. Now, if you are a long time follower of the blog, you may know that I have a bunch of time saved up, both sick time and vacation time. And you probably also know that I'm very stingy with how I use it. Why? Because when the day finally comes that a child is placed in our home, that is how I will be staying home with said child to bond in the beginning. So the less time I use now, the more time I will have with him/her whenever that incredible day comes. So the idea of taking time for me sounds good, but in my head I do this: "if I use three days here then that only leaves me with X amount of days for when we do get placed with a baby and X amount of days to keep as emergency days for when he/she gets sick. And what about if I want to take some time off at Christmas if we do have a child by then." Etc, etc, etc.
However, I do think a few days to do what I want to do when I want to do it has been, for a lack of better word, earned. We have cancelled two vacations in the past two years, and I think some me time would do me good. So I will be doing everything from cleaning to napping on no particular schedule, with a few other fun things thrown in the mix. So today is my Friday. And Tuesday will be my Monday. 5 whole days to relax and move at whatever pace I choose for the day. Happy Staycation to me!
However, I do think a few days to do what I want to do when I want to do it has been, for a lack of better word, earned. We have cancelled two vacations in the past two years, and I think some me time would do me good. So I will be doing everything from cleaning to napping on no particular schedule, with a few other fun things thrown in the mix. So today is my Friday. And Tuesday will be my Monday. 5 whole days to relax and move at whatever pace I choose for the day. Happy Staycation to me!
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Time Flies When You're Having Fun
We had our 6 month safety check yesterday, which means it's been 6 months since we were officially added to the "waiting list." Everything went well and we met the new social worker with our agency who is in the Springfield area. Which means we may be getting a support group of other local waiting families with our agency. :) We are now up to par with the state to keep our foster license for another 6 months.
Tomorrow is our 9th wedding anniversary! My husband deserves a medal or trophy of some sort. From the moment our happily-ever-after began, he started dealing with more than he imagined, I'm sure. I've been adding gray hair to his head since he said "I do." The man has stood by my side through 3 biopsies, 2 lumpectomies, back surgery, 3 surgeries for fertility issues, 2 failed IVF attempts, and 1 failed adoption. And a house fire. That man has walked through hell with me. I know there have been several times when my happiness has come well before his. I know he loves me. Why?
Because he stuck around through 3 biopsies, 2 lumpectomies, back surgery, 3 surgeries for fertility issues, 2 failed IVF attempts and 1 failed adoption. And a house fire. Not to mention all the other smaller issues along the way. We made the decision to let those things pull us closer together instead of push us apart. We are lucky to have walked through all of it. Not just that we survived, but we are lucky to have had the experiences we have had. It gave us clearer perspectives on what really matters and helped us set our priorities right from the beginning.
Life is much different today than what I pictured life would be like when we were standing at the alter 9 years ago. But the one thing that is the same is that I pictured us still madly in love, still best friends, still wanting to be around each other all the time.
I don't know exactly what thoughts were running through his head at any given moment. But I'm sure he had a lot of questions and doubts. But you know what, I never heard him voice any of those questions or doubts he was facing. He kept the "we will cross that bridge when we come to it" attitude around me. And that is a big part of the reason I'm sane today. That and because I have Jesus and friends and family who have supported us through it all.
Tomorrow is our 9th wedding anniversary! My husband deserves a medal or trophy of some sort. From the moment our happily-ever-after began, he started dealing with more than he imagined, I'm sure. I've been adding gray hair to his head since he said "I do." The man has stood by my side through 3 biopsies, 2 lumpectomies, back surgery, 3 surgeries for fertility issues, 2 failed IVF attempts, and 1 failed adoption. And a house fire. That man has walked through hell with me. I know there have been several times when my happiness has come well before his. I know he loves me. Why?
Because he stuck around through 3 biopsies, 2 lumpectomies, back surgery, 3 surgeries for fertility issues, 2 failed IVF attempts and 1 failed adoption. And a house fire. Not to mention all the other smaller issues along the way. We made the decision to let those things pull us closer together instead of push us apart. We are lucky to have walked through all of it. Not just that we survived, but we are lucky to have had the experiences we have had. It gave us clearer perspectives on what really matters and helped us set our priorities right from the beginning.
Life is much different today than what I pictured life would be like when we were standing at the alter 9 years ago. But the one thing that is the same is that I pictured us still madly in love, still best friends, still wanting to be around each other all the time.
I don't know exactly what thoughts were running through his head at any given moment. But I'm sure he had a lot of questions and doubts. But you know what, I never heard him voice any of those questions or doubts he was facing. He kept the "we will cross that bridge when we come to it" attitude around me. And that is a big part of the reason I'm sane today. That and because I have Jesus and friends and family who have supported us through it all.
Our marriage isn't perfect because neither of us are perfect. We have been spared some awful "what ifs" over the years. Which makes me that much more thankful for every day of the last 9 years. I wouldn't change one, because we were together for all of them. I know I'm a day early, but Happy Anniversary Gus! I love you!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The Blog is Back...Sort of
Zero. That is the number of words I have written since my last blog post. Mainly, because I don't want to force myself to re-live all of that, not right now anyway. Some day I will fill in the gaps of the story, but for now, we are just moving forward.
We have been dealing with some other twists and turns, not adoption related, which has given us plenty to focus on. Both of us are doing our best to learn to adjust and move forward. Every time I think I've reached my breaking point, something else gets piled on and I seem to adjust the weight and keep on trucking. People always say, "God will never give you more than you can handle." And then there is the classic response of, "I just wish He didn't trust me so much." Yep, I'm there.
I wish I could say I've been given some good encouragement when it comes to adoption, but that isn't the case. I've talked to my OB/GYN about some physical symptoms I've been having, hoping he would tell me it was just stress, and so far that is what he has chalked it up to, but when he asked why I've been stressed and I lay out the story for him, he tells me that it is more and more common for a birth mother to change her mind at the last minute. I actually ran into my doctor from the Fertility Clinic on my way to see him and he said the same thing. But they both follow it up with, "but if you are patient enough and stick it out, it will eventually happen for you."
I had been doing pretty well lately, but the dreaded day is almost upon us now, and I'm already an emotional mess about it. Yep, Sunday is Mother's Day. May 13th was supposed to be my first Mother's Day as a Mommy. Instead, May 13th will be my first Mother's Day after the loss of my son. I'm going to need an extra dose of grace and mercy on Sunday. I'm not asking for your pity, I just simply ask that you say an extra prayer for all the women in my shoes on Sunday. I'm not trying to steal any one's joy. Yes, if you are a mother, you should be celebrated. Each year, the holiday gets harder and harder for me, but yet gets more meaningful for when I can celebrate it as a Mom.
We have been dealing with some other twists and turns, not adoption related, which has given us plenty to focus on. Both of us are doing our best to learn to adjust and move forward. Every time I think I've reached my breaking point, something else gets piled on and I seem to adjust the weight and keep on trucking. People always say, "God will never give you more than you can handle." And then there is the classic response of, "I just wish He didn't trust me so much." Yep, I'm there.
I wish I could say I've been given some good encouragement when it comes to adoption, but that isn't the case. I've talked to my OB/GYN about some physical symptoms I've been having, hoping he would tell me it was just stress, and so far that is what he has chalked it up to, but when he asked why I've been stressed and I lay out the story for him, he tells me that it is more and more common for a birth mother to change her mind at the last minute. I actually ran into my doctor from the Fertility Clinic on my way to see him and he said the same thing. But they both follow it up with, "but if you are patient enough and stick it out, it will eventually happen for you."
I had been doing pretty well lately, but the dreaded day is almost upon us now, and I'm already an emotional mess about it. Yep, Sunday is Mother's Day. May 13th was supposed to be my first Mother's Day as a Mommy. Instead, May 13th will be my first Mother's Day after the loss of my son. I'm going to need an extra dose of grace and mercy on Sunday. I'm not asking for your pity, I just simply ask that you say an extra prayer for all the women in my shoes on Sunday. I'm not trying to steal any one's joy. Yes, if you are a mother, you should be celebrated. Each year, the holiday gets harder and harder for me, but yet gets more meaningful for when I can celebrate it as a Mom.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Offline
Word is starting to spread, so many of you are aware of the fact that we said goodbye to Samuel on Tuesday, as his birth mother will be taking him home and parenting him starting today. Unfortunately, the emotions we are going through are not uncharted territory for us, but we have never had to grieve the loss of a living, breathing child before. I think we are both still in the shock/denial stage, so our darker days are ahead of us.
I've learned to stop asking the "why" questions, as we will probably never get real answers. But our faith remains strong that God has a plan. He always has and we need to leave it in His hands.
The blog will be going offline for a while. Writing is my outlet for thoughts and emotions, so I will still be writing, but not publishing. There have been new levels of pain, which I'm not ready to share with the general public at this time. Someday, there may be another catch up post, but in the mean time, please don't forget about us. We need your love, support, and words of encouragement, now more than ever.
I've learned to stop asking the "why" questions, as we will probably never get real answers. But our faith remains strong that God has a plan. He always has and we need to leave it in His hands.
The blog will be going offline for a while. Writing is my outlet for thoughts and emotions, so I will still be writing, but not publishing. There have been new levels of pain, which I'm not ready to share with the general public at this time. Someday, there may be another catch up post, but in the mean time, please don't forget about us. We need your love, support, and words of encouragement, now more than ever.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Too Good To Be True
Although I do not plan to get into details at this time, we have had a bumpy weekend. So much so, that the path we follow from here isn't even a laid out step by step process. Basically, we are approaching this one day at a time, and as our social worker said, continuing to process through each green light until we get to a red light.
We are both doing...okay. I was feeling emotions again over the weekend that I haven't had to deal with in a really long time. We are exhausted, mentally and physically.
I was able to tell Gus on our way home from our visit yesterday, that although I'm scared about the future, I believe for the first time I'm able to leave something in God's hands. I know how much I love Sam, and I know that God loves him so much more. Even though we may not be able to understand it at this time, God has Sam's best interest in mind and will watch over him. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.
Please pray! Pray for the situation to settle down. Pray for a way to expedite the adoption. Pray for everyone involved.
We are both doing...okay. I was feeling emotions again over the weekend that I haven't had to deal with in a really long time. We are exhausted, mentally and physically.
I was able to tell Gus on our way home from our visit yesterday, that although I'm scared about the future, I believe for the first time I'm able to leave something in God's hands. I know how much I love Sam, and I know that God loves him so much more. Even though we may not be able to understand it at this time, God has Sam's best interest in mind and will watch over him. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.
Please pray! Pray for the situation to settle down. Pray for a way to expedite the adoption. Pray for everyone involved.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Worst Spot for a Hang Up
So Monday we were supposed to find out if the birth father registered with the state's putative father registry. And we are STILL waiting to find out. Our lawyer's contact appears to be out of the office, so we may be waiting for the information via snail mail. That means we might not know anything until the end of the week. Talk about torture!!!! If we were just waiting for our court date, I could handle that. At least the end would be in sight and we would know we were moving forward without any issues. Anytime my phone rings I jump for it hoping it's the lawyer, but no call yet. :(
We did go down yesterday as planned and sign the paperwork, so that he can submit them for a court date once he hears. He also told us he submitted a petition last Friday and that couple is going to court on Thursday...so we might have about a week wait for the court date.
We did visit Sam yesterday too. It is getting harder and harder to leave every time. He is growing so much and I feel like we are missing way too much. He is consistently eating 4 oz bottles, has moved up to size 1 diapers, is busting out of his newborn clothes, and lost his umbilical cord. My heart aches for him. I miss him the moment we leave and I dread the wait until the next visit. The interim care mom is still awesome! We thanked her again for her hospitality on our way out last night and she said, "you guys are a joy to have around. I have never heard a couple have so much fun with their baby before." That makes me kind of sad for all those other babies.
Still keeping in good contact with the birth mother. We text back and forth about every other day now. She is extremely anxious for this all to be over too.
Noah is healing up well. The collar of shame didn't last more than about 10 minutes, so we were forced to use the muzzle. But he's pretty good about leaving his stitches alone, so he only has to wear it when we aren't home. His stitches come out on Friday, so he can say good-bye to the muzzle then.
That's it. Please keep all of us (Gus, Sam, the birth mother, and I) in your prayers. Waiting for this hurdle to be jumped is awful. We are all holding our breath, waiting for that giant sigh of relief.
We did go down yesterday as planned and sign the paperwork, so that he can submit them for a court date once he hears. He also told us he submitted a petition last Friday and that couple is going to court on Thursday...so we might have about a week wait for the court date.
We did visit Sam yesterday too. It is getting harder and harder to leave every time. He is growing so much and I feel like we are missing way too much. He is consistently eating 4 oz bottles, has moved up to size 1 diapers, is busting out of his newborn clothes, and lost his umbilical cord. My heart aches for him. I miss him the moment we leave and I dread the wait until the next visit. The interim care mom is still awesome! We thanked her again for her hospitality on our way out last night and she said, "you guys are a joy to have around. I have never heard a couple have so much fun with their baby before." That makes me kind of sad for all those other babies.
Still keeping in good contact with the birth mother. We text back and forth about every other day now. She is extremely anxious for this all to be over too.
Noah is healing up well. The collar of shame didn't last more than about 10 minutes, so we were forced to use the muzzle. But he's pretty good about leaving his stitches alone, so he only has to wear it when we aren't home. His stitches come out on Friday, so he can say good-bye to the muzzle then.
That's it. Please keep all of us (Gus, Sam, the birth mother, and I) in your prayers. Waiting for this hurdle to be jumped is awful. We are all holding our breath, waiting for that giant sigh of relief.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Missing Sam
We have had two official visits with our boy now. And every time is an emotional roller coaster ride. The whole way down we are so excited to get there and see him, and then for about the last hour of the visit, I sit there and dread saying good-bye with tears in my eyes. It is so hard to leave him!
Monday is when our lawyer can check the state registry to see if the birth father has registered for paternal rights. If his name isn't on the list, we can submit the paperwork to petition for custody. Hopefully, we won't have to wait long for a court date. I'm guessing sometime the week of the 13th is when we will get a court date, but I'm really hoping (and this is extremely far fetched) that we get a court date for late next week. Once we go to court, we will go back to the adoption agency's office where we will meet Sam and the interim care mom and finish paperwork with the agency, pay them (we now have all the money we should need thanks to another donation and a generous 0% interest loan for the remaining amount), and get to leave with Sam!!!! We will have to stay in the state for a few days (3 to 5), so we have decided to take Sam on his first family vacation. We found a small cabin that looks nice and cozy for spending our first few days as a family of 3.
That's all. Enjoy the pictures! I just love that Little Man sooooooooooooooooo much! Can't wait to spend every day with him!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Forgot About This Part
Please don't tell me my child is bonding with someone else right now. (Yes, people have been dumb enough to say that to me.) I know...and it doesn't make it any easier. I know I will be the third mother my child bonds with...and yes I'm worried it is going to take longer and be harder than it should. But there isn't anything I can do, so please don't make me feel like a horrible mother already. (Okay, rant is over.)
In other news, found out yesterday that Noah has to have surgery. :( He has a lump next to his wee wee that is getting bigger and because of it's location it has to be removed. (Noah is the dog, if you didn't know that.) Please pray for me (I LOVE that dog) and for Noah and Sam. They don't know it yet, but they are best friends and they need each other. :)
And Nigel is back to being Nigel and has been banned to the basement again. :( Already acting out in jealousy over the new baby.
In other news, found out yesterday that Noah has to have surgery. :( He has a lump next to his wee wee that is getting bigger and because of it's location it has to be removed. (Noah is the dog, if you didn't know that.) Please pray for me (I LOVE that dog) and for Noah and Sam. They don't know it yet, but they are best friends and they need each other. :)
And Nigel is back to being Nigel and has been banned to the basement again. :( Already acting out in jealousy over the new baby.
Prince Charming
1-20-12
Gus was at his part time job and I was running errands when I received a text message from our birth mother that she was on her way to the hospital. I asked her to let us know the update when they checked her in and that we would start heading that way. Gus and I met at home and grabbed our bags and headed over to our friends house to drop off the dog. Weather was good...until we got about an hour down the interstate and that is when cars started ending up in the ditch. ICE STORM. And then, traffic stopped moving...I told Gus it was either going to happen and we wouldn't be able to get there or it was going to be another false alarm. Traffic started moving very slowly...we went 2 miles in 1 hour, but we were thankful to be moving because the other side of the interstate was shut down. Once we got past the congested area, we were able to move along fairly well, so I sent a text to the birth mother letting her know how far away we were and that traffic was moving slowly. She was just getting to the hospital, she was fighting her way through traffic and ice as well. By the time we got to the hospital, they were just checking her. Her friends, who were also going to be in the room for the delivery, met us in the waiting room. They told us she was at 2 cm still but her contractions were strong and close. I went back and saw her, and it was obvious she was in pain with the contractions this time. But I still thought they would send her home.
The hospital staff decided to let her walk for an hour and see where that got her, so the five of us went for a tour of the hospital. Up and down stairs and Gus made her do high knees. Must have worked because she was at 3 cm and they decided to get her a room. So Gus and I went and had dinner at about 11pm in the cafeteria and then headed back to her room to see how she was doing.
1-21-12
We hung out in her room for a little while and then I had to walk because I was beyond tired and ready to pass out. When I came back to the room around 3am, everyone had decided to go down to the waiting room and take a little snooze. So Gus slept on the floor of the castle that was in there for children to play in and I slept in a chair. We didn't sleep much, because it was just TOO comfortable. :) I think by about this time she was at 4 cm. We kept bouncing back and forth between her room and the waiting room. We decided to call the future grandparents and then we went and got some breakfast in the cafeteria. Most of the rest of the day was spent between her room and the waiting room. She wasn't progressing much, so they broke her water in hopes of speeding things up. She was at the 4 cm/5 cm range for a long time.
The on call social worker from the adoption agency showed up to check in on everyone. Apparently, her non-supportive family members were trying pretty hard to get to our birth mother, but the black out plan at the hospital was working and no one made it to her. We didn't know much about this until the social worker mentioned something to us. Once the social worker left, Gus decided to go check in to the hotel and get a quick shower. (We were all feeling pretty disgusting by now.) He thought about taking a nap, but I'm glad he didn't. He called to tell me he was on his way back and asked if I needed anything. About 5 minutes later, I got a text from her friend telling me our birth mother was at 6 cm and I should probably come back to the room. Once Gus got back to the waiting room, I headed back to her room thinking it was going to be a while yet. Shortly after getting there, she called the nurse in because she was having a lot of pain. The nurse had her re-situate herself in bed and upped the medicine in her epidural. She said she would be back in about 10 minutes to see how she was doing. She wasn't gone long when our birth mother said she felt like she needed to push. Her friend made her call the nurse back in. The nurse checked her and said that yes, it was time to push. I sent a text to Gus to let him know. I was asked to stay on the opposite of the bed as her friends so that I could help hold her leg and be close to the baby when he came out. The doctor had her do a practice push and stopped her before 10 seconds because she moved Little Man so far. The doctor put her gown on and with one more push Price Charming entered our world! It was by far the most incredible thing I have ever witnessed! Once they moved Little Man to his table to be "cleaned" and checked over, I snapped a picture and sent it to Gus. A few minutes later, our birth mother was all cleaned up and Gus was allowed back to the room. I was allowed to cut the excess of the umbilical cord off and help with the weighing, etc. And then the moment I waited for for over 6 years, he was bundled up and placed in my arms!! I only held him for a short time before passing him over to our birth mother. She checked him out and then handed him over to Gus. Once they did a blood sugar test, I was allowed to feed him his first bottle. LIFE WAS GOOD!!!!!!
We hung out with the birth mother while she ate and then Gus walked her friends out to their car. When he came back, we went with Samuel up to the nursery where we watched his first bath and took our first family photo. We checked in on the birth mother one last time before heading to eat and back to the hotel.
1-22-12
We got to the hospital and checked in on our birth mother, she was asleep so we headed to the nursery. (She allowed me to have the second arm band, allowing us access to him whenever we wanted.) It was time for a bottle, so we both took turns feed him and then Gus was called in to the birth mother's room to go over circumcision info with the doctor. He came back in with the birth mother and we hung out in the nursery until they came to take him for his circumcision. We then hung out in her room until lunch time and then we went to find him his first outfit, as we didn't bring anything with us. (So many conflicting messages from the adoption agency about how he wasn't ours yet but then "if you have something you want him to wear home bring it tomorrow.") So we let her have some time alone with him and her friends who were coming back to see her. We spent some time at the mall and purchased his incredibly cute first outfit. We ate a late lunch and then headed back to see our boy. We stayed until our birth mother crashed for the night and then we took off to get some sleep too.
1-23-12
This was a very emotional day for everyone. We tried to do a delicate balance of spending time with Sam and letting her get some alone time with him too. He had his hospital pictures taken that morning. Discharge was also pushed back from 11 to 3, which was good because it gave us more time with him. When the social worker got there about 2:30, we were asked to take Sammy to the nursery so she could have some time alone with the birth mother. We both took turns rocking him while we cried knowing what was coming. The social worker for our end showed up and started the discharge process for Samuel Mitchell. We met the interim care mom, and she is great, she could see we were both having a hard time and said we could follow her to her house and hold him a little longer before leaving. Our birth mother asked for some more time with him, so we went and sat in the conference room. Our social worker got a text that they were ready for us, so we all headed back down to her room. It was so surreal. You could tell she was having a rough time and no one really said anything for the longest time. They had her sign a few documents and then she held him for the last time as his mom. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. She then turned around and placed him in my arms and thanked us. The three of us stood there hugging and crying for a while and then they started to gather her things. There was an awkward moment after they called the nurse to wheel here out and then the nurse took her sweet time. We had already said our good-byes, and no one was in the mood for small talk, so we just stood there in uncomfortable silence for a while. She was finally wheeled out and then our social worker helped us raid the room. She was stuffing all kinds of things in our bag telling us it was paid for and we should take it. Then we put Sam in the interim care mom's car seat and we all headed down the hall. We went to her house and she let us spend another hour or so with him. It was nice to get to know her a little and see where he is going to be for a few weeks. And then the dreaded moment happened. We had to say good-bye to our new born son. I sobbed on and off the whole way home. :( And tears keep popping up unexpectedly even now. We set up visits for Saturdays and Tuesdays, so we are counting down the days until our first visit this weekend.
I told Gus that I felt like the Grinch this weekend, I actually felt my heart grow upon meeting Little Man. I will admit, I was a little scared that I might not fall head over heals upon seeing him, but boy was I wrong. The moment I saw the back of his little head, I was wrapped around his little finger. He is an angel, OUR ANGEL!
It has been a weird mix of emotions. Sadness for our birth mother, and incredible joy for us. I had a lengthy "conversation" with our birth mother today through text messages, which made me feel better. My heart breaks for her and yet I'm so, so, so happy for us.
The interim care mom has been awesome. She has already sent two emails with updates and sent us 26 pictures from her first day with him. We don't think she is going to be too strict about the 2 hour visit rule either. With any luck, our court date will be scheduled for the week of February 13th and he will be able to come home with us the following week. Please keep praying for Sam, our birth mother and us!
And I love his hair!!!! I can't keep my hands out of it. :) Miss him like CRAZY!!!!!
Love,
One Happy Momma Who Misses Her Son More Than Anything
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wild Weekend
We thought we were going to become parents twice over the weekend, but Little Man has decided to stay put for now. We got the first call Friday evening that our Birth Mother was on her way to the hospital and her contractions were 3 1/2 minutes apart. We didn't have any bags packed, as we thought we had more time, so we scrambled around the house stuffing stuff into bags. We dropped the dog off at a friends house and then hit the road. We got a few calls on the way down there updating us, and then just 20 minutes from the hospital, we got the call that the hospital was sending her home because she wasn't progressing. The doctor told her it would happen in the next day or two so we were encouraged to stick around town and wait it out. Saturday we went over to visit her at her house, and we realized she wasn't in labor, so we stuck around to Sunday, went to church with her, her aunt and cousin. After church we went out for lunch and then we headed back home.
Then at 3:52 am on Monday morning, the phone rang and we found out she was heading back to the hospital. We got to the hospital, saw her and found out that the contractions were about 5 minutes apart and that they were just monitoring the baby as the contractions weren't changing her cervix much. We went and joined her aunt in the waiting room and about an hour later, our Birth Mother appeared fully dressed in the waiting room telling us they were sending her home. Her aunt invited us back to their house, where we rested for a while and then had breakfast. We decided to go kill some time and then we called our Birth Mother to see how she was doing. She said the contractions had died down, so we headed back home again.
Last night we got a text from her that she was passing the mucus plug, so we are getting closer! (Sorry if I just grossed anyone out.) But no baby yet. But we got to spend most of the weekend with our Birth Mother and really got to know her a lot better. We even exchanged phone numbers with her. We also got to meet the part of her family that is supportive of her decision and they were very nice and hospitable all weekend long. We also got to meet her daughter. She is a cutie! She came right to me and sat on my lap on Saturday. And she played with us after breakfast on Monday, so I think she likes us. :) So it was a very good weekend.
I feel more like an expectant father than a mother as I can't go ANYWHERE without my phone, because you never know when the next call will come in. And I think we are officially "ready" for the real call. Bags are packed and transferred from the house to the car every morning and then back again at night. Our dog sitters have a key to the house so we don't have to knock on their door at 3 am some morning. We both know how to get to the hospital and to the floor we need to be on. So we are ready whenever Sam is ready!
We continue to be blown away by the generosity of our family and friends! We lowered our goal amount based on our conversations with our lawyer. We are only about $5,000 away from having him PAID IN FULL! (As long as everything goes smoothly.) I have to admit, that every time I would start to panic, more donations would roll in, and I mean some substantial donations! We are truly blessed...and we recognize that.
Then at 3:52 am on Monday morning, the phone rang and we found out she was heading back to the hospital. We got to the hospital, saw her and found out that the contractions were about 5 minutes apart and that they were just monitoring the baby as the contractions weren't changing her cervix much. We went and joined her aunt in the waiting room and about an hour later, our Birth Mother appeared fully dressed in the waiting room telling us they were sending her home. Her aunt invited us back to their house, where we rested for a while and then had breakfast. We decided to go kill some time and then we called our Birth Mother to see how she was doing. She said the contractions had died down, so we headed back home again.
Last night we got a text from her that she was passing the mucus plug, so we are getting closer! (Sorry if I just grossed anyone out.) But no baby yet. But we got to spend most of the weekend with our Birth Mother and really got to know her a lot better. We even exchanged phone numbers with her. We also got to meet the part of her family that is supportive of her decision and they were very nice and hospitable all weekend long. We also got to meet her daughter. She is a cutie! She came right to me and sat on my lap on Saturday. And she played with us after breakfast on Monday, so I think she likes us. :) So it was a very good weekend.
I feel more like an expectant father than a mother as I can't go ANYWHERE without my phone, because you never know when the next call will come in. And I think we are officially "ready" for the real call. Bags are packed and transferred from the house to the car every morning and then back again at night. Our dog sitters have a key to the house so we don't have to knock on their door at 3 am some morning. We both know how to get to the hospital and to the floor we need to be on. So we are ready whenever Sam is ready!
We continue to be blown away by the generosity of our family and friends! We lowered our goal amount based on our conversations with our lawyer. We are only about $5,000 away from having him PAID IN FULL! (As long as everything goes smoothly.) I have to admit, that every time I would start to panic, more donations would roll in, and I mean some substantial donations! We are truly blessed...and we recognize that.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
He has a name!
We are 18 days away from Little Man's due date!!! We are both starting to get pretty anxious, waiting for him to arrive and then that everything goes as planned and smoothly. Last Friday, we had our second meeting with the birth mother. We talked about the birth plan and then she had some pretty deep questions for us. I'm glad she is asking these questions now, so there will be less of a chance for conflict in the future. The plan is for me to be present for the delivery and they also talked about giving me the second bracelet at the hospital, giving us access to Little Man when he is in the nursery. When he is discharged from the hospital, he will go directly into interim care. We also met with our lawyer on Friday, and he informed us that Little Guy will have to be in interim care a lot longer than we originally thought. Since the birth father isn't being named, we have to wait 16 days after he is born for our lawyer to check the state registry to see if his father has registered for parental rights. If his name isn't on the list, then we can file the paperwork for a court date, which takes about a week. So we are looking at at least 3 weeks of him being in interim care, and we only get 2 visits a week while he is there. :( We will then have to stay in the state a lot less than we were originally told, about 3 to 5 days before we can bring him home. So because we have to wait so long to take custody, we are both planning on working as much as possible during those 3+ weeks without him in order to have more time with him once we get him. It is going to be the longest 3 weeks of our lives!
Friends of ours threw us a baby shower on Saturday for our Springfield area friends! We got some really nice things and had a REALLY good time! :) Thank you again to all who helped and were able to join us for the day! We REALLY appreciate it!!!!
The birth mother is still adamant that we name him, so Little Man's name will be Samuel Mitchell. We picked his name based on their meanings. Samuel means asked of God and Mitchell means gift from God. I plan to call him Sam or Sammy when we aren't calling him Sammitch. :)
I've also come to the conclusion that I've already had my first parenting lesson. How do we learn the meaning of hot? We get burned. How do we learn the meaning of sharp? We get cut. I've decided that my child is going to get hurt; physically and emotionally. There is nothing I can do about that. As much as I'm going to want to prevent it or take the pain away, I won't be able to. We have just come out of a very long season of pain. The why and how questions will forever be burned in our memories. As much as family members and friends have voiced their longing to take the pain from us, they couldn't. But we have grown as individuals and as a couple. I guess what I'm saying is that when my child does experience pain, I know I will do whatever I can to comfort him, but I hope I remember that the experience is turning him in to the young man God wants him to be. How do we learn the meaning of grace and mercy? We experience it. If this life was 100% comfortable, we wouldn't need Him. And as a mom, I want my son to long to know Him. I hope his seasons of pain are short and that he will be able to look back on them and see the purpose. And I also hope he finds a spouse as good as I've found to walk through this life with him when we can't be there with him. You know, when he's 55 and old enough to start dating. :)
Friends of ours threw us a baby shower on Saturday for our Springfield area friends! We got some really nice things and had a REALLY good time! :) Thank you again to all who helped and were able to join us for the day! We REALLY appreciate it!!!!
The birth mother is still adamant that we name him, so Little Man's name will be Samuel Mitchell. We picked his name based on their meanings. Samuel means asked of God and Mitchell means gift from God. I plan to call him Sam or Sammy when we aren't calling him Sammitch. :)
I've also come to the conclusion that I've already had my first parenting lesson. How do we learn the meaning of hot? We get burned. How do we learn the meaning of sharp? We get cut. I've decided that my child is going to get hurt; physically and emotionally. There is nothing I can do about that. As much as I'm going to want to prevent it or take the pain away, I won't be able to. We have just come out of a very long season of pain. The why and how questions will forever be burned in our memories. As much as family members and friends have voiced their longing to take the pain from us, they couldn't. But we have grown as individuals and as a couple. I guess what I'm saying is that when my child does experience pain, I know I will do whatever I can to comfort him, but I hope I remember that the experience is turning him in to the young man God wants him to be. How do we learn the meaning of grace and mercy? We experience it. If this life was 100% comfortable, we wouldn't need Him. And as a mom, I want my son to long to know Him. I hope his seasons of pain are short and that he will be able to look back on them and see the purpose. And I also hope he finds a spouse as good as I've found to walk through this life with him when we can't be there with him. You know, when he's 55 and old enough to start dating. :)
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